Aries: You know this tune, it’s time to change the beat. Pull out your sunglasses and turntable, and show those tittering hipsters how it’s really done at the farmer’s market. Time for an heirloom tomato dance-off.

Taurus: Forget having a bee in your bonnet, someone’s stuffed a mad pterodactyl up in there. Lose the hat or let cooler heads prevail until you get that dinosaur off your noggin.

Gemini: You’re no drama llama, but you may be a comedy capybara on Thursday. At least you didn’t end up a soap opera honey badger, that one really has problems. Plus, he bites.

Cancer: Aim for the good life, but don’t be disappointed by a mediocre day. Every quiet day means no pointing a fire hose at someone, unless their hair’s on fire or you just really want to.

Leo: The streets aren’t paved with gold this week, but they’re littered with gift cards and BOGO coupons, which is close enough. Scoop up all the goodies you can, you’ve earned it.

Virgo: There’s no statute of limitations on apologies, but there is a statue of limitations, and she’s flipping you the stony bird. Make amends with everyone, and shoo away the pigeons while you’re at it.

Libra: Happiness isn’t always the butterfly perched gently on your nose. Sometimes it’s a friendly lizard who slithers into your life and eats all the pesky flies. Rethink your definitions and you’ll realize you’re in a better place than you thought.

Scorpio: Monday is like trying to give a cat a bath; there will be growling, scratching and cursing. Put down the sponge and leave it alone. It will clean itself up by evening.

Sagittarius: When your boss knows something you don’t, it’s normal. When you know something your boss doesn’t, it means a raise. Especially if you have pictures.

Capricorn: You let your feelings go commando, and now you’re dealing with emotional chafing. Slap some powder on that sadness and stand in a cool breeze for a while. Next time, remember the Underoos before you let your heart out for a run.

Aquarius: Each morning brings a fresh start. If you screw that up, you can change your name and try again in the afternoon. Thankfully, no one cares if you’re an idiot on the Internet, so you have at least 675 more chances to make things right.

Pisces: You’re in a good place right now, so quit worrying about how late the buses run or where you can find the best tamales. Just enjoy the view and everything will fall into place. If you’re lucky, it won’t do so on your head.

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