You are currently browsing the monthly archive for July 2015.

Aries: An idea rings a bell with you on Monday. Listen to it before it digs up a tuba and blasts you out of your chair. Good thing you don’t have ideas often, or you’d be followed around by a marching band.

Taurus: Happiness is fleeting because you haven’t figured out how to set the right trap. Try digging a pit and covering it in birdseed. If it’s good enough for Wile E. Coyote, it’s good enough for you.

Gemini: Forget knowing all the answers to life’s questions. These days, you just need to know all your passwords. Better take your Gingko Biloba, or you’ll never remember the name of the parakeet you had in 5th grade and your email will be lost forever.

Cancer: Go ahead and do your happy dance, because Thursday brings the right beat. Everyone will be thrilled at your news, and even more tickled they don’t have to witness your sad Electric Slide anymore.

Leo: Knowing is believing, but believing is believing, too. Have faith in yourself and you’ll do mighty things. Most of them are weird and possibly immoral, but you’ll still accomplish something.

Virgo: Friday floats in like a pretty, pretty princess, but if you look under those layers of silk and crinoline, you’ll find some strong lumberjack plaid. You’ll also get your face slapped.

Libra: Everyone’s doing the warrior pose, and you’re still trying to figure out how to put on your yoga pants. Get some help, or your downward dog will inspire a lot of interesting Instagram shots.

Scorpio: Your spirits are high as a kite; keep your good mood in wide, open spaces or you’ll be tangled up in someone else’s tree. Charlie Brown’s got nothing on you, kid.

Sagittarius: Avoid hipsters with beards trimmed to look like octopuses. There’s no cosmic reason why, it’s just common sense, really. No one needs that much smugness in their day.

Capricorn: You want to stop and smell the roses, but you’re total crap at identifying plants. Just scratch and sniff a perfume sample before you tumble into a human-sized Venus Flytrap.

Aquarius: Great things are within your grasp. This is excellent news if you’re Elastic Man, not so wonderful if you’re a T-Rex. Buy one of those shelf grabber claws; your dreams—and the cookies—will finally be within reach.

Pisces: The only way you’ll walk in grace is if she trips and falls down in front of you. Wear your glasses so you can help her up instead of leaving footprints across her back. Maybe you two can lock arms and help each other across the street so neither one of you is flattened by a VW beetle.

Aries: Thursday’s bark is worse than its bite, but Friday’s slobber is just gross. Scratch the weekend behind its ears and it will roll over for you. Remember to give it a treat on Sunday night.

Taurus: At last, you have the answer. Unfortunately, the only person asking the question is stuck in Singapore traffic and his cell phone battery is dead. If you want to share your knowledge, consider a carrier pigeon or message ferret.

Gemini: This week is a candy store, and the shopkeeper just handed you the key. Stuff your pockets with goodies, tip your hat in thanks and make your escape before anyone notices how much chocolate you’re packing in your pants.

Cancer: Your boss is giving you that look. Either she’s found your mistake, or it’s allergy season again. Either way, bring tissues and vodka to the office. If you’re lucky, she’ll forget it all over a few liquid lunches.

Leo: While you’re staring at the sky and waiting for your mind to clear, remember the last time you chased your own tail this hard. You were so dizzy, the Kardashians seemed like Einstein in comparison. Take a few breaths and avoid circles.

Virgo: Life is beautiful, especially if you squint and you’re not too picky. Think of Friday as last call; you’ll get something that seems like a good idea at the time. Afterward you can say “Hey, that happened.”

Libra: Everyone’s swimming in the deep end, and you’re still dogpaddling with your pool noodle. You can take a chance with the big boys or just take comfort that sharks avoid the shallow end because they dislike swimming in pee.

Scorpio: You know what you want, but do you know what you need? The ultimate satellite sports package isn’t that much fun without electricity. Or food. Prioritize and you’ll be eating Cheetos with all the lights on and loving it.

Sagittarius: Your sweetie is dropping some heavy hints. Be glad that one just landed on your foot and not on your head. Take them somewhere nice this weekend, preferably a place where you don’t have to walk, at least until you can feel your toes again.

Capricorn: It’s good to know your shortcomings, but you don’t have to slow dance with them. Take a break for some punch; confidence may ask you for the next dance.

Aquarius: That million-dollar idea sounds impressive, but does the world really need another mousetrap? No. A smartwatch that turns into a light saber? Yes, please.

Pisces: Juggling isn’t your forte, so put down the chain saws. If you’re going to throw things in the air and catch them, make it something on your skill level. Like dust bunnies.

Aries: You’re not paranoid if they’re really out to get you. Luckily, the only one throwing you shade this week is the dog, but you’ll be safe. Once he gets that cone of shame removed, however, watch your step.

Taurus: April rain brings May flowers, but July rain just means the ants are wearing life vests. Take your picnic indoors unless you want to be boarded by tiny pirates sailing the high seas of your lawn in a cereal box.

Gemini: A wise old man once said it’s better to be quiet and thought a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt. The man obviously wasn’t on Twitter.  Keep some Purell nearby if you get your hands dirty smacking a few online trolls.

Cancer: You’ve got more goosebumps than an exotic dancer with a cold pole. Could be something exciting heading your way, and it’s more than just a new g-string.

Leo: Patience is a virtue, but it also makes a great helmet, a snazzy coat and a very fetching messenger bag. Make it your latest designer label, and you’ll get compliments every day.

Virgo: No one likes a sore loser, but a testy winner isn’t a lot of laughs, either. If you’re too cranky to play the game, retreat to your lair and read a good book. Your fellow players—and their shins—will thank you.

Libra: The time for action is now, but where do you point it? Put on some clothes before you put someone’s eye out, and you’ll find yourself a sweetie soon enough. All the hotties love a sharp dressed you.

Scorpio: No one said life is easy, but you would at least expect all the knobs to be marked better. Remember, righty-tighty, lefty loosey works in almost any situation.

Sagittarius: If money seems to be slipping through your fingers, there may be a connection between the cat, your smartphone and your credit card. After all, it’s not the goldfish buying new levels for MiceCapades Extreme in the app store. Time to change your password.

Capricorn: You have a near-miss with a juggler on a unicycle and you’re heckled by a passing mime on Wednesday. The circus may have you under surveillance, check your closet for lions with microphones and apologize for what you did with those clowns.

Aquarius: Tuesday will be a rather awesome day, and not even the universe knows why. Hey, it happens. Enjoy the randomness of being on everyone’s good side for a change.

Pisces: If things are looking up, you suspect it’s because a meteor is heading this way. Relax, that crater will happen at least four feet away from you.

Aries: You know this tune, it’s time to change the beat. Pull out your sunglasses and turntable, and show those tittering hipsters how it’s really done at the farmer’s market. Time for an heirloom tomato dance-off.

Taurus: Forget having a bee in your bonnet, someone’s stuffed a mad pterodactyl up in there. Lose the hat or let cooler heads prevail until you get that dinosaur off your noggin.

Gemini: You’re no drama llama, but you may be a comedy capybara on Thursday. At least you didn’t end up a soap opera honey badger, that one really has problems. Plus, he bites.

Cancer: Aim for the good life, but don’t be disappointed by a mediocre day. Every quiet day means no pointing a fire hose at someone, unless their hair’s on fire or you just really want to.

Leo: The streets aren’t paved with gold this week, but they’re littered with gift cards and BOGO coupons, which is close enough. Scoop up all the goodies you can, you’ve earned it.

Virgo: There’s no statute of limitations on apologies, but there is a statue of limitations, and she’s flipping you the stony bird. Make amends with everyone, and shoo away the pigeons while you’re at it.

Libra: Happiness isn’t always the butterfly perched gently on your nose. Sometimes it’s a friendly lizard who slithers into your life and eats all the pesky flies. Rethink your definitions and you’ll realize you’re in a better place than you thought.

Scorpio: Monday is like trying to give a cat a bath; there will be growling, scratching and cursing. Put down the sponge and leave it alone. It will clean itself up by evening.

Sagittarius: When your boss knows something you don’t, it’s normal. When you know something your boss doesn’t, it means a raise. Especially if you have pictures.

Capricorn: You let your feelings go commando, and now you’re dealing with emotional chafing. Slap some powder on that sadness and stand in a cool breeze for a while. Next time, remember the Underoos before you let your heart out for a run.

Aquarius: Each morning brings a fresh start. If you screw that up, you can change your name and try again in the afternoon. Thankfully, no one cares if you’re an idiot on the Internet, so you have at least 675 more chances to make things right.

Pisces: You’re in a good place right now, so quit worrying about how late the buses run or where you can find the best tamales. Just enjoy the view and everything will fall into place. If you’re lucky, it won’t do so on your head.

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