Aries: Those who wander are not lost; they’re just looking for a clean bathroom. Take the road less traveled if your idea of adventure is using poison oak leaves for toilet paper.
Taurus: Listen to that inner voice on Tuesday. It knows what’s right, what’s wrong, and how many French fries you should allow yourself. Quick answer: eleven. Fifteen if they’re curly fries and you have some ranch dressing to go with them.
Gemini: Love is in the air, but you’re sporting a giant can of Raid. Relax; not every winged thing is Cupid aiming for your butt. Sometimes it’s just a blood-sucking mosquito, which is far easier to deal with.
Cancer: In every life, a little rain must fall but you’re dodging blue ice from airplane toilets. Forget the umbrella and rain boots, find some sturdy shelter until the crapstorm passes.
Leo: You know all the ins and outs, but do you know the ups and downs, too? Re-orient your compass and you’ll see what looks like a fail this week is actually a win.
Virgo: If you save the best for last, you won’t have any room left to gobble it down. Have dessert first, because chocolate always trumps green beans. Just don’t have them together. Ew.
Libra: You think you’re a jungle cat stalking its prey, but others see you as a sleepy kitten tripping over a ball of string. You can stretch those claws out, but you’re still too cute.
Scorpio: Don’t worry if you miss your shot at the golden ring. The banquet table is littered with silver cutlery and a couple of pricey centerpieces. You may not win first place, but you won’t go home empty-handed if you have a big enough purse.
Sagittarius: Finding your center will take more than a few moments of meditation: it’s going to require a builder’s level and some blueprints. Luckily, your foundation is solid thanks to years of burgers and cheese curls.
Capricorn: You won’t find a lost item in the last place you look, mainly because you’ll forget you found it and keep looking for another hour or so. Perhaps you should get a few extra pairs of glasses or feel your forehead more often.
Aquarius: Your lucky break happens on Thursday afternoon. Avoid sitting on creaky chairs and swaying tree limbs, or that karmic snap could result in a fall from grace worthy of YouTube.
Pisces: Whenever you feel that you’re swimming in molasses, build a raft of cornbread. You’ll still move slowly, but the trip will be delicious.