Aries: You follow the rainbow, but at the end you only find a drunk leprechaun sleeping it off. If he wakes up and tells you to reach into his pocket for the pot of gold, don’t do it. Unless you’re really lonely.

Taurus: Things are finally looking up, but you’re too entrenched in that cranky funk to see it. Get your nose out of your navel or you’ll miss all the fireworks and someone will stick a sparkler in your butt crack.

Gemini: Your life plan of chasing everything shiny backfires when you stumble into a land filled with aluminum foil and costume jewelry. Find your way out by following someone boring and sensible; they’ll lead you out of the sparkling desert and back to reality.

Cancer: Dreading the family reunion? Don’t worry, your relatives will grow on you, much like that embarrassing and persistent rash. Show it to a few of them, and maybe they can recommend a good ointment or just ask you to leave the picnic.

Leo: You can forge ahead, or just wait until you have enough metal and build the whole robot while you’re at the blacksmith’s shop. Either way, your plans to take over the world will be made piece by piece.

Virgo: Your new bathing suit will be all the rage at the community pool; don’t worry about the screaming, it’s the pitchforks and torches you should watch out for. Next time, pass up that bargain thong.

Libra: That big promotion is finally in front of you, so make sure you have a winning smile, some great ideas and a giant cheese platter for the boss. It wouldn’t hurt to drop a pencil or two in front of the copier, either. Those pants look good.

Scorpio: Most people’s idea of summer fun includes beaches, splashing and suntans. Yours is lying in your underwear on the couch with the AC turned up, watching Shark Week. Go ahead, dare to dream, baby.

Sagittarius: Good fortune is heading your way. It could be like a meteor streaking toward your head or a turtle crossing your path. Being jumpy and paranoid may be your best move to catch it.

Capricorn: Nothing shines like integrity and honesty. If you can’t fake that, polish up that turd of a resume anyway. A little car wax might get it to gleam enough to pass the test.

Aquarius: Sometimes finding the beauty in your day is like a wicked game of “Where’s Waldo?” but keep at it until you hunt it down. That one lovely, peaceful moment can’t hide from you and those night vision goggles.

Pisces: You don’t have to turn over a new leaf, just find a new tree. Better still, find a couple and stretch out a hammock. All those leaves will keep you covered.

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