You are currently browsing the monthly archive for June 2015.

Aries: Don’t assume a situation is cut and dried.  Everything’s still very squishy, and no one’s even pulled the scissors out yet. Draw out the pattern you want before the boss starts snipping away.

Taurus: You’re tossed out of the frying pan and into the fire, but you fool them all when you strip off your clothes to reveal one of those silver fireproof suits. Hope you made sure it was a real fireproof suit and someone just didn’t sell  you a roll of aluminum foil.

Gemini: The grass is always greener on the neighbor’s lawn, but you need to worry about your own bushes. Wouldn’t hurt to trim the sides, or you could just go full Brazilian.

Cancer: There’s a fork for every spoon and a lid for every pot, but that doesn’t mean the spoon and the pot can’t bang around a little and make some noise. Dance to your own drummer in the kitchen this weekend.

Leo: Next time someone says to stop and smell the roses, remind them you’re allergic. Instead, throw a bacon-scented air freshener in the car and sniff that, because you’re a lion on the go.

Virgo: You think you have a great idea, but the universe will remind you that not every alligator will wear a bikini, and wrestling them in oil just means you’re pre-basted. If you insist on doing something crazy, put some oregano behind your ears for that extra zing.

Libra: Life is short, and that hottie at the bar is really tall. Whip out your best sweet talk, and you could cross mountain climbing off your bucket list tonight.

Scorpio: Don’t worry if you don’t know all the latest moves. Jump in and shake your bad thing, because the funky chicken never goes out of style. Staff meetings will never be the same again.

Sagittarius: If your life were a road sign, it would be “Falling Rock.” Maybe now’s a good time to start that exercise program before a landslide takes out innocent villagers.

Capricorn: Every time you figure out the answers, someone changes the questions. Up your game and become a guru, so your quips are not wrong, just mysterious.

Aquarius: Stick to your guns, and you’ll not only shoot your mouth off, you’ll have a really awkward situation at Home Depot when you’re looking for glue remover. Try a bit of compromise instead; it’s so crazy, it just might work.

Pisces: If there’s a fly in your soup, catch another one, drop it in, and take bets on who can swim faster. Positivity wins you the cash prize this week, along with your tiny winged thoroughbred.

Aries:  Those who wander are not lost; they’re just looking for a clean bathroom. Take the road less traveled if your idea of adventure is using poison oak leaves for toilet paper.

Taurus: Listen to that inner voice on Tuesday. It knows what’s right, what’s wrong, and how many French fries you should allow yourself. Quick answer: eleven. Fifteen if they’re curly fries and you have some ranch dressing to go with them.

Gemini: Love is in the air, but you’re sporting a giant can of Raid. Relax; not every winged thing is Cupid aiming for your butt. Sometimes it’s just a blood-sucking mosquito, which is far easier to deal with.

Cancer: In every life, a little rain must fall but you’re dodging blue ice from airplane toilets. Forget the umbrella and rain boots, find some sturdy shelter until the crapstorm passes.

Leo: You know all the ins and outs, but do you know the ups and downs, too? Re-orient your compass and you’ll see what looks like a fail this week is actually a win.

Virgo: If you save the best for last, you won’t have any room left to gobble it down. Have dessert first, because chocolate always trumps green beans. Just don’t have them together. Ew.

Libra: You think you’re a jungle cat stalking its prey, but others see you as a sleepy kitten tripping over a ball of string. You can stretch those claws out, but you’re still too cute.

Scorpio: Don’t worry if you miss your shot at the golden ring. The banquet table is littered with silver cutlery and a couple of pricey centerpieces. You may not win first place, but you won’t go home empty-handed if you have a big enough purse.

Sagittarius: Finding your center will take more than a few moments of meditation: it’s going to require a builder’s level and some blueprints. Luckily, your foundation is solid thanks to years of burgers and cheese curls.

Capricorn: You won’t find a lost item in the last place you look, mainly because you’ll forget you found it and keep looking for another hour or so. Perhaps you should get a few extra pairs of glasses or feel your forehead more often.

Aquarius: Your lucky break happens on Thursday afternoon. Avoid sitting on creaky chairs and swaying tree limbs, or that karmic snap could result in a fall from grace worthy of YouTube.

Pisces: Whenever you feel that you’re swimming in molasses, build a raft of cornbread. You’ll still move slowly, but the trip will be delicious.

Aries: You follow the rainbow, but at the end you only find a drunk leprechaun sleeping it off. If he wakes up and tells you to reach into his pocket for the pot of gold, don’t do it. Unless you’re really lonely.

Taurus: Things are finally looking up, but you’re too entrenched in that cranky funk to see it. Get your nose out of your navel or you’ll miss all the fireworks and someone will stick a sparkler in your butt crack.

Gemini: Your life plan of chasing everything shiny backfires when you stumble into a land filled with aluminum foil and costume jewelry. Find your way out by following someone boring and sensible; they’ll lead you out of the sparkling desert and back to reality.

Cancer: Dreading the family reunion? Don’t worry, your relatives will grow on you, much like that embarrassing and persistent rash. Show it to a few of them, and maybe they can recommend a good ointment or just ask you to leave the picnic.

Leo: You can forge ahead, or just wait until you have enough metal and build the whole robot while you’re at the blacksmith’s shop. Either way, your plans to take over the world will be made piece by piece.

Virgo: Your new bathing suit will be all the rage at the community pool; don’t worry about the screaming, it’s the pitchforks and torches you should watch out for. Next time, pass up that bargain thong.

Libra: That big promotion is finally in front of you, so make sure you have a winning smile, some great ideas and a giant cheese platter for the boss. It wouldn’t hurt to drop a pencil or two in front of the copier, either. Those pants look good.

Scorpio: Most people’s idea of summer fun includes beaches, splashing and suntans. Yours is lying in your underwear on the couch with the AC turned up, watching Shark Week. Go ahead, dare to dream, baby.

Sagittarius: Good fortune is heading your way. It could be like a meteor streaking toward your head or a turtle crossing your path. Being jumpy and paranoid may be your best move to catch it.

Capricorn: Nothing shines like integrity and honesty. If you can’t fake that, polish up that turd of a resume anyway. A little car wax might get it to gleam enough to pass the test.

Aquarius: Sometimes finding the beauty in your day is like a wicked game of “Where’s Waldo?” but keep at it until you hunt it down. That one lovely, peaceful moment can’t hide from you and those night vision goggles.

Pisces: You don’t have to turn over a new leaf, just find a new tree. Better still, find a couple and stretch out a hammock. All those leaves will keep you covered.

Aries: If you don’t succeed, try, try, try again. After the fourth try, however, you should kick back, have a beer and figure out why success eludes you like a greased pig before you wrestle with it once more.

Taurus:  Your rules may be carved in stone, but someone has just found a box of dynamite. Loosen up before you find yourself under a pile of your own debris.

Gemini: There’s a better day coming to you, could be Tuesday or Wednesday. Set out the nice plates and glasses and get the best wine they offer at the local gas station. You want to make a good impression.

Cancer:  Facing your fears isn’t fun, but it beats having them sneak up and bite you in the butt. Grab a rolled-up newspaper and conquer those personal demons while you still have a bit of booty left.

Leo: You’re feeling out of touch, like an 8-track tape in a streaming podcast world. Relax, retro is in fashion and someone will shove a little square of cardboard under your butt to balance you out.

Virgo: You make a colossal screw-up at work, but the boss laughs instead of firing you. Buy your boss and the ferret a drink once everyone gets out of the supply closet alive, and swear off bubble wrap.

Libra: Life can try to box you in, but your rat is too freewheeling for a maze. Break out the tiny skateboard and let your inner furball fly.

Scorpio: Forget what they say; go ahead and let the turkeys get you down. They give a pretty good massage as long as you’re wearing a really thick shirt. Don’t ask for a happy ending, or you’ll really be hen-pecked.

Sagittarius: You’re hit in the head with a baseball on Friday and develop temporary psychic powers. You can’t predict lottery numbers but you have a nice side business finding people’s car keys for them.

Capricorn: Grab the shades and the sunscreen, because you’re about to have your moment in the sun. Just don’t wear that thong bathing suit, because no one wants to be blinded by your butt cheeks.

Aquarius: Feeling lost in the universe? No one else knows what the heck they’re doing, either. That’s why there are so many videos of people falling off tables on YouTube. Watch those for a few minutes and you’ll feel like a genius.

Pisces: What you want is just within reach, but you can’t stretch any farther or you’ll fall. Don’t despair, just buy one of those grabber claws and snatch victory from the snarky jaws of defeat.

Aries:  You can’t judge a book by its cover, but you can totally trash talk the movie based on it. Before you loosen those lips, though, rip out a few pages and make sure you have the story straight.

Taurus: Passion burns, but so does a pot left on the stove. Don’t grab anything without using protection, otherwise you’ll have some explaining to do in front of a chuckling ER nurse.

Gemini: Right now, opportunities are like flowers and you have your pick. Sniff a few and check for bees hiding on the stems, otherwise you may get stung.

Cancer: Spread some joy across your day on Wednesday. Sure, others may see it as manure, but it will still make things grow because you only spew high quality crap.

Leo: Quick, the universe isn’t looking: do what you want. It’s fine to ask forgiveness rather than permission, but it’s even better if that gamble pays off and you don’t have to ask for anything at all.

Virgo: The shortest distance between two points isn’t a line, it’s a piece of juicy gossip.  That stuff flies at the speed of light, so step out of the way before it whacks you on the head. It’s better to be conscious when you do damage control.

Libra: Beauty may be skin-deep, but not yours. You have a particularly voluptuous soul, too, so expect a few enlightened beings to follow you home when they see how your aura swings when you walk.

Scorpio: You’re making a mountain out of a mole hill, so do the job right. Get the moles to sign off on the blueprints and make sure you have all the construction permits. Your clients will thank you when they see your mole condo masterpiece.

Sagittarius: Thursday looks like a wolf in sheep’s clothing, but when you get closer you realize it’s just a really shaggy sheep. Give that baa-by a makeover and reveal a whole new ewe.

Capricorn: You can soar to great heights, but first you have to drop that baggage. There’s no overhead compartment on the Success Express, but don’t worry; you get a complimentary toothbrush when you hit Easy Street.

Aquarius: If you pull yourself up by your bootstraps, you’re still bending over. Watch your back and prepare to mule kick someone sneaking up on you. Good thing you’re wearing those butt-kicking boots.

Pisces: Sometimes a great idea is like a ghost; you only see it out of the corner of your eye. Pull up your inner Venkman and do some ghostbusting this week, so you can confront  and conquer that spectral inspiration before it gets away again.

 

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