Aries: The world is about to beat a path to your door. If you don’t want that much company, you can always move to another town, or just go mad scientist and develop a tasering doormat. That will bring even more people to you, but they’ll have to be sneakier about it.

Taurus: It takes dozens of muscles to smile, but only a few to slap you so hard, you’ll land where even Google can’t find you. Find your own common sense before your loved ones line up for a good smack.

Gemini:  You can strive for excellence or waddle over to mediocrity. While ambition may land you in those skinny jeans, there is something to be said for the comfy, stained sweatpants of average.

Cancer: Know your own mind and you won’t be swayed by the strong winds of others’ wild ideas, mainly because you’re following your own demented tumbleweeds across the desert. It’s so much better to invent your own crazy than to follow someone else’s brand.

Leo: Did you just hear a pop? That’s your own butt muscles unclenching this week. Let them relax and flap in the breeze for a while, because emergency mode is done for now. Go ahead and pull that stick out of your tush while you’re at it.

Virgo: You may not have the right stuff, but you have a nicely weird assortment sure to gather a crowd at any flea market. Show off your awkward treasures, because handmade angst is so hot right now.

Libra: Tuesday isn’t your beast of burden, it’s more like a Chihuahua in your Coach bag. Don’t depend on it to do the heavy lifting, just expect it to pop out and bark at hairy dudes in Starbucks.

Scorpio: You have a great plan, you just need a new angle. Don’t worry about finding the right angle, just take the first one that’s acute.

Sagittarius: Don’t worry about that last failure. Every dog has its day, although every lizard gets about two weeks. Maybe you should spend some time laying in the sun and sticking out your tongue, so you have all the bases covered.

Capricorn: Good news is coming your way, so remember to leave the key under the fake rock so it can get in and have some breakfast. If you don’t, it could end up on your neighbor’s couch, enjoying her muffins and you’ll never see it again.

Aquarius: Things are going your way, they’re just not going at the speed you want. Quit trying to find the Turbo button on that turtle and enjoy the achingly slow yet scenic ride.

Pisces: You’ve sent a lot of energy out into the universe, and Karma has hot-glued it together into one bizarre sculpture. Appreciate your own cosmic art, and others will, too.

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