Aries: Some days you get the whole cupcake, other days you can only find a wrapper and some leftover sprinkles. Take the batter into your own hands and bake yourself a good day on Tuesday, complete with cream cheese icing.

Taurus:  Just when a ray of sunshine comes along, you can’t find the sunblock. Take a good look at where that bright spot is coming from before you step into the light, because even SPF 100 can’t protect against stupid.

Gemini: It’s great to think all you need is love, just don’t try to pay the cable bill with it. Take the whip and spike heels out of your Amazon shopping cart and put those pennies toward your HBO subscription for “Game of Thrones.”

Cancer: Comparing apples to oranges is one thing, but throwing in a moldy mango every time your co-workers aren’t looking makes for a very nasty fruit basket. Step up to top banana status and sweeten the pot, or you’ll receive a lot of raspberries.

Leo: Someone will tell you that you’re one tough cookie, but is that really a compliment? Try to be nuttier, softer and irresistible. If you can’t swing that, buy a snorkel because you’re going to get dunked a lot.

Virgo: The journey of a thousand steps usually begins with you trying to find a pair of socks that match while hopping on one foot in the dark. Don’t worry, destiny doesn’t care if you coordinate your entire wardrobe.

Libra: Sure, the best things in life are free, but keeping them usually involves a car, a job and a premium cable package. Get crackin’, because you still have to buy the kids’ love with Legos this weekend.

Scorpio: Each day is a precious memory, especially since you now know to never go near that day-old taco stand again. That kind of knowledge is worth its weight in Pepto-Bismol.

Sagittarius: No one knows all the answers, but you’ve watched enough Discovery Channel to fake it when your kid asks the really tough questions like how babies are made or why there are so many reality shows about Alaska.

Capricorn: Someone will ask you an important question on Wednesday. Go ahead and say yes, unless the answer is no. Or maybe. Hey, we’re not a Magic 8-Ball here; that’s upscale toy technology. Just wing it.

Aquarius: It’s great that you love the Avengers movies, but the only way you can get away with yelling “Hulk smash!” at work is if you stomp grapes at a winery. If that’s the case, go for it, you’ll entertain your co-workers for a good ten minutes.

Pisces: You may feel like a leaf on the wind, but really you’re a piece of gum on the universe’s shoe. No one’s getting rid of you that easily, so stick to it.

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