You are currently browsing the monthly archive for May 2015.

Aries: The world is about to beat a path to your door. If you don’t want that much company, you can always move to another town, or just go mad scientist and develop a tasering doormat. That will bring even more people to you, but they’ll have to be sneakier about it.

Taurus: It takes dozens of muscles to smile, but only a few to slap you so hard, you’ll land where even Google can’t find you. Find your own common sense before your loved ones line up for a good smack.

Gemini:  You can strive for excellence or waddle over to mediocrity. While ambition may land you in those skinny jeans, there is something to be said for the comfy, stained sweatpants of average.

Cancer: Know your own mind and you won’t be swayed by the strong winds of others’ wild ideas, mainly because you’re following your own demented tumbleweeds across the desert. It’s so much better to invent your own crazy than to follow someone else’s brand.

Leo: Did you just hear a pop? That’s your own butt muscles unclenching this week. Let them relax and flap in the breeze for a while, because emergency mode is done for now. Go ahead and pull that stick out of your tush while you’re at it.

Virgo: You may not have the right stuff, but you have a nicely weird assortment sure to gather a crowd at any flea market. Show off your awkward treasures, because handmade angst is so hot right now.

Libra: Tuesday isn’t your beast of burden, it’s more like a Chihuahua in your Coach bag. Don’t depend on it to do the heavy lifting, just expect it to pop out and bark at hairy dudes in Starbucks.

Scorpio: You have a great plan, you just need a new angle. Don’t worry about finding the right angle, just take the first one that’s acute.

Sagittarius: Don’t worry about that last failure. Every dog has its day, although every lizard gets about two weeks. Maybe you should spend some time laying in the sun and sticking out your tongue, so you have all the bases covered.

Capricorn: Good news is coming your way, so remember to leave the key under the fake rock so it can get in and have some breakfast. If you don’t, it could end up on your neighbor’s couch, enjoying her muffins and you’ll never see it again.

Aquarius: Things are going your way, they’re just not going at the speed you want. Quit trying to find the Turbo button on that turtle and enjoy the achingly slow yet scenic ride.

Pisces: You’ve sent a lot of energy out into the universe, and Karma has hot-glued it together into one bizarre sculpture. Appreciate your own cosmic art, and others will, too.

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Aries: You’re a few Cocoa Puffs short of a bowl, but you’re still sweet. Just don’t turn the milk brown when you sit in it or you’ll never be invited back to that day spa again.

Taurus: Get to the heart of the matter and you’ll understand everything. If you’re lucky, you can do it just by pressing an ear against someone’s lovely chest. If not, you’ll have to pry up a few floorboards, Poe-style.

Gemini: If you put your best foot forward, does that mean you have a worst foot? Next time you’re getting a mani/pedi, chip in the cash for both feet so you don’t have to hop to impress. Until then, one flip-flop and one Ugg boot will have to do.

Cancer: Just as you’re getting into your groove, someone scratches the record. The hipsters might panic but you know the old-school tricks, so keep the Scotch tape and quarters handy for a smooth beat.

Leo: It’s fine to keep your eyes on the prize, just remember to glance down occasionally so you know where you’re stepping. There’s a lot of cowpies between you and that shiny goal.

Virgo: Good news: your sex tape ends up a viral video. Bad news: it’s hashtagged as an Epic Fail. Put away the camera while you’re practicing that wild Kama Sutra move; all the footage proves you need better health insurance.

Libra: You could be a multimillionaire by next week if you just had a great idea, a way to market it and the ability to predict the next trend. But hey, putting your belly lint bracelets on Craigslist is a start.

Scorpio: Never ask the universe for wisdom, that only happens when nothing goes your way. Instead, stick your hand up for dumb luck: that’s the airheaded genie who grants wishes.

Sagittarius: High maintenance is not for you on Wednesday. You’re less “Princess and the Pea” and more “Chick with a Brick,” so go ahead and smash some expectations.

Capricorn: Sometimes a good mood is like a sock in a dryer: it was there just a minute ago, and now it’s gone. Don’t worry, socks and moods are easily replaced. Just keep the undies of compassion from shrinking so you don’t end up with a karmic wedgie.

Aquarius: Sometimes you wonder if the Universe is using your life as a drinking game, and The Powers That Be are belting vodka each time you stumble. They’ll pass out at some point so hang in there because your luck will change.

Pisces: You can feel that old fire burning in your breast, but is it passion or just heartburn? Pop an antacid and charge ahead; either way, you’ll be jet-propelled when it works its way through your system.

Aries: Some days you get the whole cupcake, other days you can only find a wrapper and some leftover sprinkles. Take the batter into your own hands and bake yourself a good day on Tuesday, complete with cream cheese icing.

Taurus:  Just when a ray of sunshine comes along, you can’t find the sunblock. Take a good look at where that bright spot is coming from before you step into the light, because even SPF 100 can’t protect against stupid.

Gemini: It’s great to think all you need is love, just don’t try to pay the cable bill with it. Take the whip and spike heels out of your Amazon shopping cart and put those pennies toward your HBO subscription for “Game of Thrones.”

Cancer: Comparing apples to oranges is one thing, but throwing in a moldy mango every time your co-workers aren’t looking makes for a very nasty fruit basket. Step up to top banana status and sweeten the pot, or you’ll receive a lot of raspberries.

Leo: Someone will tell you that you’re one tough cookie, but is that really a compliment? Try to be nuttier, softer and irresistible. If you can’t swing that, buy a snorkel because you’re going to get dunked a lot.

Virgo: The journey of a thousand steps usually begins with you trying to find a pair of socks that match while hopping on one foot in the dark. Don’t worry, destiny doesn’t care if you coordinate your entire wardrobe.

Libra: Sure, the best things in life are free, but keeping them usually involves a car, a job and a premium cable package. Get crackin’, because you still have to buy the kids’ love with Legos this weekend.

Scorpio: Each day is a precious memory, especially since you now know to never go near that day-old taco stand again. That kind of knowledge is worth its weight in Pepto-Bismol.

Sagittarius: No one knows all the answers, but you’ve watched enough Discovery Channel to fake it when your kid asks the really tough questions like how babies are made or why there are so many reality shows about Alaska.

Capricorn: Someone will ask you an important question on Wednesday. Go ahead and say yes, unless the answer is no. Or maybe. Hey, we’re not a Magic 8-Ball here; that’s upscale toy technology. Just wing it.

Aquarius: It’s great that you love the Avengers movies, but the only way you can get away with yelling “Hulk smash!” at work is if you stomp grapes at a winery. If that’s the case, go for it, you’ll entertain your co-workers for a good ten minutes.

Pisces: You may feel like a leaf on the wind, but really you’re a piece of gum on the universe’s shoe. No one’s getting rid of you that easily, so stick to it.