Aries: Don’t panic when you hear scratching inside the wall. Opportunity doesn’t always knock on the front door, especially if it’s been up late reading Poe.

Taurus: You can slap on that party face, but everyone still sees the crabby bones underneath. Wear a mask to get your groove on, so no one thinks you’re Godzilla stalking the puny humans. Unless, of course, it’s a really weird party. In that case, to your own Hollywood monster self be true.

Gemini: Take the chance to make someone’s life brighter by turning the spotlight on their living room. Sure, they may see all their own flaws that way, but at least you’re not taking a black light into the bedroom.

Cancer: Tuesday brings joy, Wednesday brings laughter. Thursday is rude and doesn’t show up with a gift at all. Tell it you like wine.

Leo: Forget being the welcome mat; that’s not your style. Be the bird sitting above the doorframe, waiting for some sucker to walk through so you can gift them with a poop bomb.

Virgo:  Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because no one wants tiny Elvis jumpsuits for Beanie Babies anymore. Try making Elvis jumpsuits for artisanal potato sculptures.

Libra: You don’t have the right stuff, but what you do have would be very interesting to biologists looking for the next big thing in fungus. Show off those pea green/purple toenails on Pinterest and the scientists will come running.

Scorpio: Your mind says “sleek street rod,” but your body says “salvage yard reject.” Check yourself into the repair shop for some body work, or your rear end may fall off when you least expect it.

Sagittarius: You’re about to burst at the seams with juicy secrets. You can keep those confidences, or you can post vague, teasing hints on Facebook until you’ve whipped up all your friends into a curious frenzy.

Capricorn: You’ve found your bliss, but it refuses to get off the couch. If tempting it with a treat doesn’t work, try squirting it with a water bottle. You’ll both feel better once your bliss goes for walkies.

Aquarius: Grabbing the bull by the horns isn’t always the best way to make your point. Reach around in the other direction and you’ll have its full attention. You might even receive flowers the next day.

Pisces: Don’t be scared when a few good days pop up in your week. Approach them carefully and offer them cookies. If they stick around for snacks and conversation, they will scare off the bad days.

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