Aries: You’ve had your panties in a twist so often, you’ve invented a new kind of thong. Step back and unwind on Wednesday before your eyes bug out. Also, use some bleach on those undies.
Taurus: Go ahead, dance like nobody’s watching. Just remember, there’s a difference between Saturday Night Fever and Tuesday Night Allergy Attack. You might need some Benadryl after trying some new moves.
Gemini: Are you a seafaring drama llama? You’re causing more waves than a belly dancer in a life raft. If folks shimmy into a life preserver when you walk by, quit rocking the boat.
Cancer: Your mojo is set on high all week long, and you’re feeling smoother than Bigfoot after a Brazilian. Rip off that old layer while you’re waxing poetic and go for the gusto.
Leo: Variety is the spice of life, but sarcasm is the salt required to swallow every dish. Shake away on Friday, your blood pressure will only go up if you hold it in.
Virgo: The universe loves a practical joke, so watch out for cosmic whoopee cushions. Laugh when the fake fart noises erupt, and the pranksters will be caught off guard when you let the real ones slip.
Libra: A bird in the hand means you’ll going to need some baby wipes. No matter what you see in that bush, leave it alone; there could be a vicious pecker hiding in there.
Scorpio: Your story has more holes than a Romulan Battle Bagel. Engage the truth at warp five, or you’ll feel a few photon torpedoes across your bow.
Sagittarius: You’ve had your failures, but you’re bouncing back better than Dolly Parton in a sports bra. Enjoy your success and keep those headlights bright so everyone can bask in your light.
Capricorn: Let out that inner flower child to run wild and free. Just remember, body paint as an outfit may be good for the psyche, but showing your true colors can wreak havoc on the school board meeting.
Aquarius: Anything in this world can be accomplished with luck, common sense and a good dose of sneakiness. Right now you only have two of these things, but you’re crafty enough to build your own luck from a box of paperclips and a banana.
Pisces: The Force is strong within you, but you’re having trouble deciding to be a creative Jedi or caving to the dark side because they have cookies. Ask your Death Star boss if they’re planning a buffet lunch in addition to the dessert cart. Regular meals are a powerful motivator.