You are currently browsing the monthly archive for April 2015.

Aries: Life’s a bowl of cherries, and you keep getting the stems stuck in your teeth. Remember the key to the universe is learning to carve out the bad bits and dip the rest in chocolate.

Taurus: There are winners and losers, and there are people who know where the board is kept. Forget the game, keep your eye on which player wants to be the race car and who wants the boot.

Gemini: Wednesday brings a surprise, but the good news is you can keep all the succotash you want and you’re a natural at toe modeling.

Cancer: Success comes to those who wait, but you could find it sooner if you stop to give it a ride to the mall. Make sure it has enough money for a drink and pizza before you let it out.

Leo: There’s no need to chase every rabbit that comes along, especially if they run down a hole and introduce you to some weird emo chick named Alice. Stay above ground and let someone else trip out.

Virgo: A crisis at work means you have the chance to be a hero. Good thing you carry a spare can of coffee in your trunk, because an office of un-caffeinated co-workers is a scary thing.

Libra: You may think you can walk on water, but don’t jump off the deep end without those arm floaties firmly attached; even if you’re full of hot air, you may still sink straight to the bottom of the pool.

Scorpio: There’s a light at the end of the tunnel, but it’s just someone taking a selfie with the flash on. Go ahead and give them a refresher course on proper selfie technique, it will distract you from being lost in a freaking tunnel.

Sagittarius: You have all the right moves, it’s just that the DJ is playing the wrong song. Slip him a few bucks to play your jam, and show off those freaky steps to Justin Bieber at chipmunk speed.

Capricorn: You have a sense of relaxation and relief. Either you’ve found inner peace or you’ve simply forgotten everything you were supposed to do today. Enjoy this moment before the panic sets in.

Aquarius: Someone pretends to be your dreamboat, but in reality they’re just your nightmare raft. Puncture their plans and have fun watching them zoom around the room, cartoon-style.

Pisces: The turkeys can only get you down if you let them walk all over you first. Escape those scaly feet by ignoring their texts and hiding out in your treehouse for a while.


Aries: Don’t panic when you hear scratching inside the wall. Opportunity doesn’t always knock on the front door, especially if it’s been up late reading Poe.

Taurus: You can slap on that party face, but everyone still sees the crabby bones underneath. Wear a mask to get your groove on, so no one thinks you’re Godzilla stalking the puny humans. Unless, of course, it’s a really weird party. In that case, to your own Hollywood monster self be true.

Gemini: Take the chance to make someone’s life brighter by turning the spotlight on their living room. Sure, they may see all their own flaws that way, but at least you’re not taking a black light into the bedroom.

Cancer: Tuesday brings joy, Wednesday brings laughter. Thursday is rude and doesn’t show up with a gift at all. Tell it you like wine.

Leo: Forget being the welcome mat; that’s not your style. Be the bird sitting above the doorframe, waiting for some sucker to walk through so you can gift them with a poop bomb.

Virgo:  Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because no one wants tiny Elvis jumpsuits for Beanie Babies anymore. Try making Elvis jumpsuits for artisanal potato sculptures.

Libra: You don’t have the right stuff, but what you do have would be very interesting to biologists looking for the next big thing in fungus. Show off those pea green/purple toenails on Pinterest and the scientists will come running.

Scorpio: Your mind says “sleek street rod,” but your body says “salvage yard reject.” Check yourself into the repair shop for some body work, or your rear end may fall off when you least expect it.

Sagittarius: You’re about to burst at the seams with juicy secrets. You can keep those confidences, or you can post vague, teasing hints on Facebook until you’ve whipped up all your friends into a curious frenzy.

Capricorn: You’ve found your bliss, but it refuses to get off the couch. If tempting it with a treat doesn’t work, try squirting it with a water bottle. You’ll both feel better once your bliss goes for walkies.

Aquarius: Grabbing the bull by the horns isn’t always the best way to make your point. Reach around in the other direction and you’ll have its full attention. You might even receive flowers the next day.

Pisces: Don’t be scared when a few good days pop up in your week. Approach them carefully and offer them cookies. If they stick around for snacks and conversation, they will scare off the bad days.

Aries: You’ve had your panties in a twist so often, you’ve invented a new kind of thong. Step back and unwind on Wednesday before your eyes bug out. Also, use some bleach on those undies.

Taurus: Go ahead, dance like nobody’s watching. Just remember, there’s a difference between Saturday Night Fever and Tuesday Night Allergy Attack. You might need some Benadryl after trying some new moves.

Gemini: Are you a seafaring drama llama? You’re causing more waves than a belly dancer in a life raft. If folks shimmy into a life preserver when you walk by, quit rocking the boat.

Cancer: Your mojo is set on high all week long, and you’re feeling smoother than Bigfoot after a Brazilian. Rip off that old layer while you’re waxing poetic and go for the gusto.

Leo: Variety is the spice of life, but sarcasm is the salt required to swallow every dish. Shake away on Friday, your blood pressure will only go up if you hold it in.

Virgo: The universe loves a practical joke, so watch out for cosmic whoopee cushions. Laugh when the fake fart noises erupt, and the pranksters will be caught off guard when you let the real ones slip.

Libra: A bird in the hand means you’ll going to need some baby wipes. No matter what you see in that bush, leave it alone; there could be a vicious pecker hiding in there.

Scorpio: Your story has more holes than a Romulan Battle Bagel. Engage the truth at warp five, or you’ll feel a few photon torpedoes across your bow.

Sagittarius: You’ve had your failures, but you’re bouncing back better than Dolly Parton in a sports bra. Enjoy your success and keep those headlights bright so everyone can bask in your light.

Capricorn: Let out that inner flower child to run wild and free. Just remember, body paint as an outfit may be good for the psyche, but showing your true colors can wreak havoc on the school board meeting.

Aquarius: Anything in this world can be accomplished with luck, common sense and a good dose of sneakiness. Right now you only have two of these things, but you’re crafty enough to build your own luck from a box of paperclips and a banana.

Pisces: The Force is strong within you, but you’re having trouble deciding to be a creative Jedi or caving to the dark side because they have cookies. Ask your Death Star boss if they’re planning a buffet lunch in addition to the dessert cart. Regular meals are a powerful motivator.


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