Aries: Don’t worry about being a fish out of water; on Tuesday, you’ll evolve a little faster than the suckers around you. Keep those fins, though, just in case your new pad has a pool.

Taurus: Wednesday offers up a few moments of introspection, but it also comes with a side of fries and cheese dip, so you don’t pay much attention to it. Next time, tell it to show up with a salad.

Gemini: Hiding trouble comes easy for you. It’s so easy, a few people think you just skate through life. Share some burdens on Friday. They may laugh when you fall on the ice, but they’ll know your days aren’t filled with Olympic medals.

Cancer: Most people avoid ruts, but when you fall into one, you order window treatments and new furniture. Order a ladder while you’re binge shopping, so you can climb out once in a while.

Leo: You think your career path looks like a drunken pub crawl drawn up by Yeti, but it’s a straighter line than you can imagine. Trust the big hairy guy with the map, he knows all the best places.

Virgo:  You’ve had some failures in the past, but this new idea is better than goats in golf cleats stomping on bubble wrap. Step lively and enjoy the satisfying snap of success.

Libra: One door closes, but another one only opens if you’ve unlocked it. If you live in a rough neighborhood, ask opportunity to text before it comes over. Better yet, ask it to meet you at the coffee shop.

Scorpio: You’ve made your bed, but don’t lie in it until you’ve installed the adjacent margarita machine and large screen TV streaming Netflix. Since this is supposed to be punishment, leave the salt off the margarita glass.

Sagittarius: Life in the fast lane is fine, but you don’t get to read any interesting signs or stop at weird flea markets. Get off the career interstate and enjoy a detour through the strangeness of humanity. It will make a great blog post later.

Capricorn:  Your craziest wish will come true on Wednesday, so make an appointment with the therapist for Thursday to deal with the aftermath of unicorn baristas wielding giant foam swords. After that, call Nickelodeon, because you have a hit TV show on your hands.

Aquarius: Your luck isn’t a lady. It’s more like a crazed pack of geese, chasing you into new situations and attacking you when you least expect it. Enjoy the fruits of your frantic, winged labor.

Pisces: You’ve sailed through the rough seas, so feel free to paddle around the kiddie pool for a while. If anyone complains, grab a Super Soaker and tell them they’re all wet.

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