Aries: Enjoy your shining star moment, because on Thursday you’ll fall from the sky like a meteor hurtling toward a parked car. Others will hear the car alarm when you crash, but all you hear through that bulletproof ego is a fanfare.

Taurus: Yes, the world is magic, but it’s more cheap card trick than receiving a letter for Hogwarts. Your best shot is to practice your handwork and find a hottie with far fewer brain cells than yourself.  So, yeah, it will be a challenge.

Gemini: Someone’s acting the dirty rat, but they don’t realize they’re the lab mouse in your maze. Go ahead, be heartless and plunk down some soy cheese.

Cancer:  On Thursday you’ll sprout wings and soar toward the heartthrob of your dreams. On Friday, you’ll discover the bug zapper.  If you can stay away from the light, you’ll have much more fun in the dark. If not, stock up on burn cream.

Leo:  Your mojo is set on high all week long, and you’re feeling smoother than Bigfoot after a Brazilian. Rip off that old layer while you’re waxing poetic and go for the gusto.

Virgo: You can dance if you want to, but don’t leave your friends behind. Because your friends can’t dance and if they can’t dance, they can at least buy the Jell-O shots while you’re on the floor showing off your Safety Dance moves.

Libra: Tuesday is a drop in the bucket, but Friday is a fire hose blowing the bucket away. Probably time to find some dry socks and a bigger bucket for your ambitions, like an empty pool.

Scorpio: People don’t have to know you to love you; in fact, it’s better if they don’t know you at all when you two meet in the broom closet on the fourth floor. Bonus: the moaning and banging makes your co-workers believe the building is haunted.

Sagittarius: Quit beating yourself up, because you’re a mean fighter. Sure, you need a break, but ending up in a body cast is the wrong kind of break. Take some quiet time before you end up trying to scratch an itch with a coat hanger.

Capricorn: You’re actually doing very well this week, although you’ll step in some gum and you might have a bad hair day on Saturday. Boo hoo. Get a hat.

Aquarius: Re-evaluate your life choices on Wednesday. Your “Aha!” moment shouldn’t involve someone in a trench coat, mud boots and a battery-operated twirling bra.

Pisces: It’s fine to avoid the drama llamas and keep company with an emotionally stable wombat, but a little excitement is good for you. Call up your nearest hairy divas for lunch and watch the fur fly.

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