Aries: Stand up straight on Friday. If you bend over, Cupid’s arrow will go astray and your left butt cheek will fall madly in love with the little old lady on a park bench. At least she’ll meet your best side.

Taurus: You’re rational, logical and level-headed; where’s the fun in that? Check your brain at the door for one night and make some spectacularly bad decisions. You’ll earn free beers from the tattoo story alone.

Gemini: You’ve bent the rules so much, they’re stretched out like granny panties from 1973. Time to snap back to attention and toe the line with a snazzy little thong.

Cancer: Wednesday is your lucky day. Your socks match, your hair is remarkably free from gum or Cheerios and not only can you hear yourself think, you don’t have to yell to do it. Ask your folks to take the kids for a few more days, because this is bliss.

Leo: The future may not be written in stone, but it could be wrapped around a brick and bounced off your hard head this Tuesday. Read the note, but remember to duck before the next karmic hint dents that bulletproof hairdo.

Virgo: Life is a mystery, and so is that smell coming from your car vents. Time to find out whodunit before the aroma sets your nose hair on fire during your daily commute.

Libra: Breakups are never fun, but you’ve had worse pain walking across Legos in the middle of the night. This too will pass, but with far less cursing and hopping.

Scorpio: If your days pass like sand through an hourglass, your life is the worst snowglobe ever. The least you can do is dress up an armadillo in a tiny leprechaun outfit to make things more exciting.

Sagittarius: For you, Monday is Opposite Day: your boss is cheerful, your children are polite and the cable installer actually shows up on time. By Tuesday you’ll be a nervous wreck waiting for things to get back to normal.

Capricorn: Your true inner self won’t be revealed through a Facebook quiz, but all those Instagram photos of your lunch could hold the key to figuring out why your inner self needs existential Spanx.

Aquarius: You can catch more flies with honey, but why bother with flies at all? Next time your Prince Charming turns into a frog, tell him to track down his own dinner.

Pisces: For some, life is an easy ride to well-being and success. For you, it’s a car trip with one tire missing, the steering wheel on fire and the gas tank filled with moonshine and marshmallow cream. Bounce off enough roadblocks and stunned pedestrians, and you’ll accidentally end up where you meant to go.

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