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Aries: Stand up straight on Friday. If you bend over, Cupid’s arrow will go astray and your left butt cheek will fall madly in love with the little old lady on a park bench. At least she’ll meet your best side.

Taurus: You’re rational, logical and level-headed; where’s the fun in that? Check your brain at the door for one night and make some spectacularly bad decisions. You’ll earn free beers from the tattoo story alone.

Gemini: You’ve bent the rules so much, they’re stretched out like granny panties from 1973. Time to snap back to attention and toe the line with a snazzy little thong.

Cancer: Wednesday is your lucky day. Your socks match, your hair is remarkably free from gum or Cheerios and not only can you hear yourself think, you don’t have to yell to do it. Ask your folks to take the kids for a few more days, because this is bliss.

Leo: The future may not be written in stone, but it could be wrapped around a brick and bounced off your hard head this Tuesday. Read the note, but remember to duck before the next karmic hint dents that bulletproof hairdo.

Virgo: Life is a mystery, and so is that smell coming from your car vents. Time to find out whodunit before the aroma sets your nose hair on fire during your daily commute.

Libra: Breakups are never fun, but you’ve had worse pain walking across Legos in the middle of the night. This too will pass, but with far less cursing and hopping.

Scorpio: If your days pass like sand through an hourglass, your life is the worst snowglobe ever. The least you can do is dress up an armadillo in a tiny leprechaun outfit to make things more exciting.

Sagittarius: For you, Monday is Opposite Day: your boss is cheerful, your children are polite and the cable installer actually shows up on time. By Tuesday you’ll be a nervous wreck waiting for things to get back to normal.

Capricorn: Your true inner self won’t be revealed through a Facebook quiz, but all those Instagram photos of your lunch could hold the key to figuring out why your inner self needs existential Spanx.

Aquarius: You can catch more flies with honey, but why bother with flies at all? Next time your Prince Charming turns into a frog, tell him to track down his own dinner.

Pisces: For some, life is an easy ride to well-being and success. For you, it’s a car trip with one tire missing, the steering wheel on fire and the gas tank filled with moonshine and marshmallow cream. Bounce off enough roadblocks and stunned pedestrians, and you’ll accidentally end up where you meant to go.



Aries: One step forward and two steps back may look great on the dance floor, but it’s a lousy life plan. Take an opportunity on Wednesday to get ahead before you back yourself into the punch bowl.

Taurus: Sometimes when you reach for the stars, others see you as a crazy person swatting at invisible bugs in the backyard. Keep grasping for that dream, but do it out of sight for a while or the neighbors will be nervous.

Gemini: You’re like a kid in a candy store; too many choices, not enough time. Pick something top shelf and set your mind to it instead of gorging on everything you see and sleeping off a sugar coma under the counter. Success is sweet, but it shouldn’t give you diabetes.

Cancer: The only way you’re ready to leave the nest is if there’s a fold-out hang glider tucked in your pocket. Flap those wings a bit more before you make the big move, otherwise it’s a long way down.

Leo: Opportunity is yours for the taking, but there’s no need to sneak up on it and catch it unaware. Walk right up to it and grab it while everyone’s watching, the universe knows you deserve it.

Virgo: No one expects you to be perfect, but they’d love it if you were a little less neurotic. Tell them “Tough cookies!” and trot merrily down your weird, twitchy path.

Libra: Someone’s trying to get your attention. Go ahead and notice them before a co-worker calls the cops on their naked, painted butt out in the parking lot. They may not be a keeper, but they’ll liven up your weekend.

Scorpio: It’s fine to need your personal space, just don’t fill it up with Cheetos and beer. It’s hard to reflect on personal growth with all that crunching and slurping, and smashing the empty cans on your forehead isn’t doing your brain any favors.

Sagittarius: You can find the best in life or the worst, it depends on the glasses you’re wearing. Go for the rose-tinted ones this week and you’ll never notice the dirty house or that the dog is using your iPad as a chew toy.

Capricorn: You can take a Risk, but it would be easier to smuggle Trivial Pursuit under your coat. Either way, it sounds like family game night has gotten out of control.

Aquarius: Your needs are simple: you just want to rule the world, have everyone adore you and finally find the perfect pair of jeans. One out of three isn’t bad, and you’ll be the kindest Supreme Honcho in the supervillain neighborhood.

Pisces: You take to change like a fish takes to go-go boots. Still, some change is good, even if it’s scary. Hop in, because those boots look awesome on you.

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