Aries: Putting your best foot forward isn’t an option with those toenails. Try sticking in your best elbow or kneecap. The other person will be too confused to realize how strange you truly are.

Taurus: If you can’t make something right, you can at least make it sparkle. A few glitter bombs around the office will distract your boss from your latest screw-up, just make sure no one knows you did it.

Gemini: There’s a difficult task in front of you, but you’re too intimidated to tackle it head on. Use a different approach; sneak up on it and tickle it until it pees. That levels any playing field.

Cancer: Home is where the heart is and right now your heart is following around that hottie in the tight jeans. Pull up an easy chair and ask them what kind of cable TV package they like, because you’re in for the night.

Leo: Your body is giving you a sign, so pay attention to the one declaring “Caution” and slow down. Otherwise, you’ll end up by Falling Rock, which could mean a concussion or a hilarious crotch hit worthy of YouTube.

Virgo: Burning the candle at both ends is fine for a while, but try more than that and you’re just a wax firestarter. Get the pine cone out of your butt and tell your co-workers to quit warming their feet over your meltdown.

Libra: You’ll hit the jackpot on Tuesday, but the next day you’ll have a mean-tempered leprechaun wanting his gold back. Go ahead and marry him; you’ll keep the cash in the family and learn he’s hilarious when he’s drunk.

Scorpio: Everyone hides a few secrets, but you could do better than just duct taping them to the screen door. Hide them where no one in your house will look, like the dishwasher or a bag of broccoli in the fridge.

Sagittarius: Taking the low road finally pays off when there’s a 12-vehicle morality pileup on the high road. Wave as you pass by and take a few photos as they try to untangle their high horses.

Capricorn: All’s fair in love and war, but when it comes to the office coffeemaker, there are rules. Don’t pee in someone’s French roast unless you want a yogurt cup full of farts.

Aquarius: It took you most of your life, but you have finally found your tribe. Wrap yourself in your freak flag and throw down your best dance moves around the campfire, because these people get you.

Pisces: You know all the ins and outs, so why not make a few bucks by showing other people a few shortcuts? A lifetime of hard knocks adds up to a rather awesome map of the universe.

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