Aries: It’s all fun and games until someone loses an eye. Seriously, you need to find that glass eye and put it back on your uncle’s nightstand before he wakes up. He doesn’t need to know where that thing has been.
Taurus: Every moment has a story, but no one wants to hear your Greek tragedy over the coffee run this morning. What you did with that crazy blonde who wore the eyepatch? Completely different matter.
Gemini: When you feel like your life is spinning in circles, just pop the lid and get out of the blender. You may be an acquired taste, but you’re too weird to water yourself down in a socially acceptable smoothie.
Cancer: Seven is an important number on Wednesday. Could be how many millions you win in the lottery or how many parking tickets you receive. Either way, it will be a pulse-pounding day.
Leo: When you get to the end of your rope, don’t just tie a knot. Unravel it a bit and weave a nifty plant hanger with beads and ceramic turtles. If you’re going to lose your mind, do it in style.
Virgo: Each path has a few bumps, but you’ve been axle-deep in the off-roading challenge for a while. Tuesday gives you an opportunity to smooth out the highway ahead. Take it, unless you’re really into climbing rocks with that 1983 Ford Focus.
Libra: There’s a place and time for everything. What you have in mind shouldn’t be done during the “I do” part of your brother’s wedding. Where would you get that many ferrets in tiny drag queen outfits anyway?
Scorpio: Your chance to become rich and famous happens at 10:15 a.m. on Friday. It’s also happening 300 miles away from you, so tough luck on that. Good thing you have no desire for groupies, mansions and unlimited vodka.
Sagittarius: You form an unusual friendship with a slightly bent spork this weekend. Everyone will tell you that being together is wrong, but you know you’re the one who can straighten him out. Celebrate your togetherness with mashed potatoes and cole slaw.
Capricorn: If clouds had linings, wouldn’t they leak less often? These are the thoughts keeping you up at night. You’ll either become a start-up entrepreneur or someone on really good prescribed meds.
Aquarius: Sure, you can know your place, just don’t stay there because it’s nowhere near your outrageous home base. It is a great spot to drop off dirty laundry and spare car parts, though.
Pisces: Progress is made one step at a time, but you don’t have patience for that. Try skipping merrily down the path before you strap on the jet pack.