Aries: The world may not slow down for you, but that doesn’t mean it can throw you off, either. Ride the day like a mechanical bull in a Texas bar, and throw in the occasional ‘Yee Haw!’ just to keep your coworkers on their toes.

Taurus: Forget candy and roses. Show your sweetie you still care by giving them the remote and sitting through that five-hour PBS special on bees throughout history. That’s true love. Well, that, and not making them wear the Robert Downey, Jr. mask in bed anymore.

Gemini: Some boundaries shouldn’t be pushed, but they can be tickled. Remember, kinky is a single feather, perverted is using the whole chicken, really warped is dressing the chicken in a negligee first and asking it to whip you with gluten-free linguini.

Cancer: You are the SuperGlue of the family: you’re dependable, loyal, and usually stuck in odd places for no apparent reason. While you wait for that nail polish remover to work, use something less binding to keep your family together, like cheese.

Leo:  Those boots aren’t made for walking but they are capable of a lively Riverdance. Step to it and show off those wild Irish moves during the next corporate committee meeting. You’ll be the talk of the HR department.

Virgo: When you tell the universe you want a purpose in life, you shouldn’t mumble. On the bright side, your new career as a porpoise trainer looks exciting, especially if you squeeze in some Spanx under that wet suit.

Libra: To thine own self, be true. Everyone else can bugger off, especially on Wednesday.  If they can’t take a hint, a sharp kick to the shin will do the trick.

Scorpio: Seeing a penny and picking it up doesn’t always bring good luck, especially if Penny carries pepper spray and a mean right hook. Next time, just text her your OKCupid profile and you’ll spend less time in the ER.

Sagittarius: You’ll think up three new concepts on Tuesday. One is a million-dollar idea, the other two will just get you slapped. Tread carefully, blows to the head aren’t always as fun as they sound.

Capricorn: Stapling yourself to your desk may be a cry for help on Monday, or it could be the only way you can keep your fellow cubicle drones from stealing that sweet new office chair you swiped from someone else Friday. Prepare the Nerf gun, this could mean war.

Aquarius: You have the magical touch, why waste it on frog-smooching when there are dragons to slay and unicorns to ride? Tell all interested princes to tweet their resumes to you and head off into Wonderland for an awesome day.

Pisces: A wellspring of ideas will bubble up this week. Drink freely of this inspiration, and chase off the big dogs who just want to piddle in your new puddle.

Advertisements