Aries: You’ve fallen in love, but some stupidity has splashed up on your pants leg. Don’t worry, a Sham Wow and taking your sweetie to meet your parents will throw cold water on that stain.

Taurus: Success is in your corner when you drop all the New Year’s resolutions and go with goals like “Keep breathing” and “Don’t carry ferrets on your head.” Take that, people who are dieting right now.

Gemini: Your destiny is like a secret note being passed around in a cosmic classroom. At recess, kick Karma in the shin and demand to know what’s going on. Be prepared for revenge swirlies, though.

Cancer: You have all the charm and grace of a toddler hopped up on cotton candy. Wait until that sugar buzz has passed before you say anything at work, because a time out there means the receptionist locks you in the bathroom without toilet paper.

Leo: Be bold. Be spicy. Be saucy. Basically, go through your week like a bag of Doritos and you’ll know the crunchy goodness of success. You’ll also learn the twitchiness of too much MSG, but you can just blame coffee.

Virgo: Everything’s coming up roses, which is weird since you planted tomatoes and basil in that window garden. Enjoy the unexpected bouquet while you cuss out the seed company.

Libra: Some rules are made to be broken, like that cheap particleboard furniture you bought over the holidays. Thankfully, neither the bookcase nor the consequences hurt when the pieces fall on your head.

Scorpio: You’re attracted to a deep, dark stranger, but don’t go diving into that pool just yet. Splash around in their puddles a bit first, or you could get the bends.

Sagittarius: So far, the new  year has stared you down like a lemur on Ritalin. You could return the favor, but that’s a staring contest you’ll never win. Throw some grapes its way, even if they are sour.

Capricorn: Some are built for comfort, others for speed, but you’re custom-tailored for an unsettling ride. You may be awkward, but you’ll go the distance, even if you have a wayward rear wheel.

Aquarius: Sometimes a lifestyle change is a perfect fit, but most of the time you’re walking funny with a mental wedgie for months. It’s okay to dig your head out of your butt, just do it behind a plant so no one sees.

Pisces: Thursday would be a good day for a robot uprising. Get on that. Remember to program them so they make you their leader, though, otherwise the weekend could be messy.