You are currently browsing the monthly archive for January 2015.

Aries: Putting your best foot forward isn’t an option with those toenails. Try sticking in your best elbow or kneecap. The other person will be too confused to realize how strange you truly are.

Taurus: If you can’t make something right, you can at least make it sparkle. A few glitter bombs around the office will distract your boss from your latest screw-up, just make sure no one knows you did it.

Gemini: There’s a difficult task in front of you, but you’re too intimidated to tackle it head on. Use a different approach; sneak up on it and tickle it until it pees. That levels any playing field.

Cancer: Home is where the heart is and right now your heart is following around that hottie in the tight jeans. Pull up an easy chair and ask them what kind of cable TV package they like, because you’re in for the night.

Leo: Your body is giving you a sign, so pay attention to the one declaring “Caution” and slow down. Otherwise, you’ll end up by Falling Rock, which could mean a concussion or a hilarious crotch hit worthy of YouTube.

Virgo: Burning the candle at both ends is fine for a while, but try more than that and you’re just a wax firestarter. Get the pine cone out of your butt and tell your co-workers to quit warming their feet over your meltdown.

Libra: You’ll hit the jackpot on Tuesday, but the next day you’ll have a mean-tempered leprechaun wanting his gold back. Go ahead and marry him; you’ll keep the cash in the family and learn he’s hilarious when he’s drunk.

Scorpio: Everyone hides a few secrets, but you could do better than just duct taping them to the screen door. Hide them where no one in your house will look, like the dishwasher or a bag of broccoli in the fridge.

Sagittarius: Taking the low road finally pays off when there’s a 12-vehicle morality pileup on the high road. Wave as you pass by and take a few photos as they try to untangle their high horses.

Capricorn: All’s fair in love and war, but when it comes to the office coffeemaker, there are rules. Don’t pee in someone’s French roast unless you want a yogurt cup full of farts.

Aquarius: It took you most of your life, but you have finally found your tribe. Wrap yourself in your freak flag and throw down your best dance moves around the campfire, because these people get you.

Pisces: You know all the ins and outs, so why not make a few bucks by showing other people a few shortcuts? A lifetime of hard knocks adds up to a rather awesome map of the universe.

Aries: It’s all fun and games until someone loses an eye. Seriously, you need to find that glass eye and put it back on your uncle’s nightstand before he wakes up. He doesn’t need to know where that thing has been.

Taurus: Every moment has a story, but no one wants to hear your Greek tragedy over the coffee run this morning. What you did with that crazy blonde who wore the eyepatch? Completely different matter.

Gemini: When you feel like your life is spinning in circles, just pop the lid and get out of the blender. You may be an acquired taste, but you’re too weird to water yourself down in a socially acceptable smoothie.

Cancer: Seven is an important number on Wednesday. Could be how many millions you win in the lottery or how many parking tickets you receive. Either way, it will be a pulse-pounding day.

Leo: When you get to the end of your rope, don’t just tie a knot. Unravel it a bit and weave a nifty plant hanger with beads and ceramic turtles. If you’re going to lose your mind, do it in style.

Virgo: Each path has a few bumps, but you’ve been axle-deep in the off-roading challenge for a while. Tuesday gives you an opportunity to smooth out the highway ahead. Take it, unless you’re really into climbing rocks with that 1983 Ford Focus.

Libra: There’s a place and time for everything. What you have in mind shouldn’t be done during the “I do” part of your brother’s wedding. Where would you get that many ferrets in tiny drag queen outfits anyway?

Scorpio: Your chance to become rich and famous happens at 10:15 a.m. on Friday. It’s also happening 300 miles away from you, so tough luck on that. Good thing you have no desire for groupies, mansions and unlimited vodka.

Sagittarius: You form an unusual friendship with a slightly bent spork this weekend. Everyone will tell you that being together is wrong, but you know you’re the one who can straighten him out. Celebrate your togetherness with mashed potatoes and cole slaw.

Capricorn: If clouds had linings, wouldn’t they leak less often? These are the thoughts keeping you up at night. You’ll either become a start-up entrepreneur or someone on really good prescribed meds.

Aquarius: Sure, you can know your place, just don’t stay there because it’s nowhere near your outrageous home base. It is a great spot to drop off dirty laundry and spare car parts, though.

Pisces: Progress is made one step at a time, but you don’t have patience for that. Try skipping merrily down the path before you strap on the jet pack.

Aries: The world may not slow down for you, but that doesn’t mean it can throw you off, either. Ride the day like a mechanical bull in a Texas bar, and throw in the occasional ‘Yee Haw!’ just to keep your coworkers on their toes.

Taurus: Forget candy and roses. Show your sweetie you still care by giving them the remote and sitting through that five-hour PBS special on bees throughout history. That’s true love. Well, that, and not making them wear the Robert Downey, Jr. mask in bed anymore.

Gemini: Some boundaries shouldn’t be pushed, but they can be tickled. Remember, kinky is a single feather, perverted is using the whole chicken, really warped is dressing the chicken in a negligee first and asking it to whip you with gluten-free linguini.

Cancer: You are the SuperGlue of the family: you’re dependable, loyal, and usually stuck in odd places for no apparent reason. While you wait for that nail polish remover to work, use something less binding to keep your family together, like cheese.

Leo:  Those boots aren’t made for walking but they are capable of a lively Riverdance. Step to it and show off those wild Irish moves during the next corporate committee meeting. You’ll be the talk of the HR department.

Virgo: When you tell the universe you want a purpose in life, you shouldn’t mumble. On the bright side, your new career as a porpoise trainer looks exciting, especially if you squeeze in some Spanx under that wet suit.

Libra: To thine own self, be true. Everyone else can bugger off, especially on Wednesday.  If they can’t take a hint, a sharp kick to the shin will do the trick.

Scorpio: Seeing a penny and picking it up doesn’t always bring good luck, especially if Penny carries pepper spray and a mean right hook. Next time, just text her your OKCupid profile and you’ll spend less time in the ER.

Sagittarius: You’ll think up three new concepts on Tuesday. One is a million-dollar idea, the other two will just get you slapped. Tread carefully, blows to the head aren’t always as fun as they sound.

Capricorn: Stapling yourself to your desk may be a cry for help on Monday, or it could be the only way you can keep your fellow cubicle drones from stealing that sweet new office chair you swiped from someone else Friday. Prepare the Nerf gun, this could mean war.

Aquarius: You have the magical touch, why waste it on frog-smooching when there are dragons to slay and unicorns to ride? Tell all interested princes to tweet their resumes to you and head off into Wonderland for an awesome day.

Pisces: A wellspring of ideas will bubble up this week. Drink freely of this inspiration, and chase off the big dogs who just want to piddle in your new puddle.

Aries: You’ve fallen in love, but some stupidity has splashed up on your pants leg. Don’t worry, a Sham Wow and taking your sweetie to meet your parents will throw cold water on that stain.

Taurus: Success is in your corner when you drop all the New Year’s resolutions and go with goals like “Keep breathing” and “Don’t carry ferrets on your head.” Take that, people who are dieting right now.

Gemini: Your destiny is like a secret note being passed around in a cosmic classroom. At recess, kick Karma in the shin and demand to know what’s going on. Be prepared for revenge swirlies, though.

Cancer: You have all the charm and grace of a toddler hopped up on cotton candy. Wait until that sugar buzz has passed before you say anything at work, because a time out there means the receptionist locks you in the bathroom without toilet paper.

Leo: Be bold. Be spicy. Be saucy. Basically, go through your week like a bag of Doritos and you’ll know the crunchy goodness of success. You’ll also learn the twitchiness of too much MSG, but you can just blame coffee.

Virgo: Everything’s coming up roses, which is weird since you planted tomatoes and basil in that window garden. Enjoy the unexpected bouquet while you cuss out the seed company.

Libra: Some rules are made to be broken, like that cheap particleboard furniture you bought over the holidays. Thankfully, neither the bookcase nor the consequences hurt when the pieces fall on your head.

Scorpio: You’re attracted to a deep, dark stranger, but don’t go diving into that pool just yet. Splash around in their puddles a bit first, or you could get the bends.

Sagittarius: So far, the new  year has stared you down like a lemur on Ritalin. You could return the favor, but that’s a staring contest you’ll never win. Throw some grapes its way, even if they are sour.

Capricorn: Some are built for comfort, others for speed, but you’re custom-tailored for an unsettling ride. You may be awkward, but you’ll go the distance, even if you have a wayward rear wheel.

Aquarius: Sometimes a lifestyle change is a perfect fit, but most of the time you’re walking funny with a mental wedgie for months. It’s okay to dig your head out of your butt, just do it behind a plant so no one sees.

Pisces: Thursday would be a good day for a robot uprising. Get on that. Remember to program them so they make you their leader, though, otherwise the weekend could be messy.

Aries: You can sneak up on the new year and give it a goose, but it might honk your horn in return. Best to slide up on it gently and feed it some dry bread unless you want to walk funny until spring.

Taurus: If someone has you by the horns, relax. There are far worse places to grab, and those will get yanked this weekend. Just pray they don’t have cold hands.

Gemini: Find out what moves you, be it an adorable cat video or a front-end loader. With your luck, your best moves happen in a waterbed during an earthquake.

Cancer: Your life can be dangerous whether you’re in the middle of a three-ring circus or a three-ring binder. Sooner or later, something’s going to snap, whether it’s a bearded lady or the office manager. If they’re the same person, freshen up your resume.

Leo: Smile and people wonder what you’re up to; laugh hysterically and they’ll put you away, but sing showtunes in Croatian while doing a striptease on a clock tower and you get your own reality show. At least wear a g-string so TLC won’t have to pixelate your naughty parts on national TV.

Virgo: In the past, you’ve made New Year’s resolutions that lasted longer than a bag of donuts at a Weight Watchers meeting.  That’s not saying much, though, so fly a little higher and you’ll be the untouchable broccoli at the table.

Libra: You may want to tackle a new challenge, but it’s like dressing a stick figure in Victoria’s Secret: there’s nothing to keep it up. Work on your motivational curves this year.

Scorpio:  You’ve seen fire,you’ve seen rain, you’ve even seen volcanic thundersnow, but it’s nothing compared to the storm front heading your way on Friday. Pack a shovel.

Sagittarius: Inner peace is best savored in small sips, like the tequila you slurp when your relatives are finally out the door after the holidays. Cheers!

Capricorn: You have the ability to lower your head and plunge forward. Do that this week and you’ll be amazed where you end up, like in Vegas handcuffed to a bear and pulling singles out of your shorts.

Aquarius: There’s a light in your eyes, and it didn’t come from dragging your feet across the carpet. It may not seem real to others, but hey, it works for you. Wear sunglasses so you don’t freak people out in the grocery store but otherwise shine on, you glitterbug.

Pisces: Songbirds can lift your spirits, but it’s the 400-pound robin that pecks you out of your rut. Hop to it and don’t forget to buy the bulk keg of birdseed if you know what’s good for you.

 

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