Aries: Every time you turn over a new leaf, there’s some mold or a weird-looking frog underneath. Quit raking up the past, and just accept yourself for who you are, warts and all. Except that big, slimy one. You should get that checked.

Taurus: The best gift you can give yourself is compassion and patience. They will serve you well while trying to return that sparking shower massager your mother-in-law gave you.

Gemini: The problem with being shallow? Anyone can make a big splash in your life. Strike a happy balance, though, you don’t want to be so deep, National Geographic sends a robot down to explore the bizarre fish you attract.

Cancer: Quit trying to force your views on someone. You know what they say, you can lead a horse to sparkling flavored water but you can’t make him Instagram it and give your water bar a positive review on Yelp.

Leo: Behold the simple songbird, flitting about in the tree, and try not to curse his feathered hide because he’s not stuck inside with his family after the holiday dinner. How can an argument about football turn into a debate about John Wayne’s underwear?

Virgo: You may think you’re the master of your own ship, but in reality it’s just a toy boat that’s about to be flushed. Climb the mast and jump for the seat, at least you’ll have a good view when it goes down.

Libra: As you recline on the couch in a pie-induced stupor, remember that’s never too early to consider your New Year’s resolutions. Especially since you’re wearing those sweatpants like a thong.

Scorpio: You asked Santa for a unicorn and the possibility that Grandma could keep her robe closed on Christmas morning. Happy Holidays, enjoy your unicorn! They probably sell magical beastie feed at Petco.

Sagittarius: On Wednesday, your sweetie will wink and remind you how long the winter nights can be. Do not say anything about binge-watching all the new movies on Netflix unless you plan to live on the sofa until spring.

Capricorn: Find the positive in everything around you, and avoid the negative. You’ll have a better, less-crispy attitude when figuring out those jumper cables in the middle of a snowstorm.

Aquarius: Don’t be sad that another holiday season is about to pass. Rejoice in the fact that you haven’t beaten anyone with a candy cane because the radio just played “Little Drummer Boy” for the 20, 158th time. It’s the small victories that count.

Pisces: Your imagination is so vivid, you make Walter Mitty look like a complete amateur. Take some of those dreams out into the real world next year and they may come true. But not the one about raptors chasing people in the mall. Sorry.

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