Aries:  You’re convinced that no good deed goes unpunished. If you’re lucky, though, karma will wear that little leather number while she oils up the paddle.  Looks like you’re lining up a whole string of charitable acts.

Taurus: Opportunity doesn’t always knock. Sometimes it slips a note under the bathroom door. Be prepared to grab your pants and run toward your chance at the big time. You can always buy new underwear later.

Gemini: Fill your mind with good thoughts and you’ll resist that wickedly handsome temptation on Wednesday. Then again, what fun is pure, driven snow if you can’t jump in and dirty it up?

Cancer: You can either update your attitude or your resume on Thursday. So your boss is engaged to an espresso machine; face it, you’ve seen weirder things in that office.

Leo: Know your limits, so you can wave to them when you pass them at high speed this week. Be nice and send them a souvenir mug once you get to Awesometown.

Virgo: Every day holds new challenges, but if you kick it in the groin, it will drop a few easy solutions, too. Remember to run away afterward, because the day usually has steel-tipped boots and thoughts of revenge.

Libra: It’s the time of year to think of others. For example, who stole your keyboard and how can you make them pay? Ah, the holidays, where the flame of rage keeps you warm at night.

Scorpio: Someone’s thinking of you in a sexy way. Time to break out that mojo, but save the Santa g-string for after the Christmas party. You don’t want to be in the company newsletter again.

Sagittarius: Something big is coming your way, and you’re more excited than a geek with the new Star Wars trailer on loop. The Force is with you, but you’ll still have to pay for its dinner.

Capricorn: Only you would end up with an elf on the shelf that also boasts a webcam. Turn that little pervert to the wall and undress in the bathroom, otherwise your shiny butt will be all over the Internet. Hey, it happened to Kim Kardashian.

Aquarius: The world can be a magical place, but you don’t need to wave your wand in people’s faces all the time. Tuck it away before someone yanks it off you, otherwise you’ll be one sore sorcerer.

Pisces: Time is of the essence, but luckily you’re well-stocked with your favorite perfume: procrastination. Try to use it sparingly so you don’t overwhelm those around you.

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