Aries: Don’t worry about roses having thorns; you should be far more concerned about giant man-eating Venus Flytraps. Step lively in the flower garden this week, and be prepared to prune.

Taurus: It’s an mp3 world, yet you’re still dragging out the Victrola. You may not be in the mainstream, but take comfort in your god-like status among hipsters.

Gemini: Your career hasn’t taken a deliberate nose-dive, it just accidentally sat on the control panel. Pull up and ride out the turbulence. There’s no need to blow up the automatic pilot just yet, even if he asks.

Cancer: If you didn’t expect the Spanish Inquisition, you probably have your spam filter set too high. Tough it out, because holidays with family don’t last forever, only the scars do.

Leo: If you need to meditate, try zoning out in your office. You already have a comfortable chair and your chattering co-workers are the best white noise machines ever.

Virgo: Great things can come with small packages, so quit teasing your sweetie in the bedroom. If you want to improve the unwrapping, steal one of your neighbor’s saucy catalogs. You know, the kind that makes the mailman sweat when he delivers them.

Libra: Life is what you’re doing when you don’t have time to pay attention. Look up from your smartphone once in a while, otherwise you’ll miss all the fun and none of the lamp posts or potholes.

Scorpio: On Thursday, your situation will be greatly improved if you wear pants. Specifically, your pants. It’s a small detail, but an important one to your boss. Remember, Donald Duck and Winnie the Pooh never get promoted.

Sagittarius: The key to happiness is peace of mind. Unfortunately, you never know where your keys are, so that inner calm is alien territory. Ask the universe if you can unlock some temporary thrills with a thumbprint scanner instead.

Capricorn: You don’t have to know where you’re going in life as long as you know where you’ve been. And if you don’t know that, check your friends’ Instagram accounts to re-trace your embarrassing missteps.

Aquarius: No one said life was fair, but if you’re lucky, you can expect it to be partly cloudy with a chance of locusts over the weekend. Don’t complain, at least you can dip those suckers in chocolate and sell them to tourists.

Pisces: Even your goofiest moves can seem graceful and lovely if you set them to the right music. Try a slow-motion montage with a Bette Midler ballad and drop the Benny Hill theme song.

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