You are currently browsing the monthly archive for December 2014.

Aries: Every time you turn over a new leaf, there’s some mold or a weird-looking frog underneath. Quit raking up the past, and just accept yourself for who you are, warts and all. Except that big, slimy one. You should get that checked.

Taurus: The best gift you can give yourself is compassion and patience. They will serve you well while trying to return that sparking shower massager your mother-in-law gave you.

Gemini: The problem with being shallow? Anyone can make a big splash in your life. Strike a happy balance, though, you don’t want to be so deep, National Geographic sends a robot down to explore the bizarre fish you attract.

Cancer: Quit trying to force your views on someone. You know what they say, you can lead a horse to sparkling flavored water but you can’t make him Instagram it and give your water bar a positive review on Yelp.

Leo: Behold the simple songbird, flitting about in the tree, and try not to curse his feathered hide because he’s not stuck inside with his family after the holiday dinner. How can an argument about football turn into a debate about John Wayne’s underwear?

Virgo: You may think you’re the master of your own ship, but in reality it’s just a toy boat that’s about to be flushed. Climb the mast and jump for the seat, at least you’ll have a good view when it goes down.

Libra: As you recline on the couch in a pie-induced stupor, remember that’s never too early to consider your New Year’s resolutions. Especially since you’re wearing those sweatpants like a thong.

Scorpio: You asked Santa for a unicorn and the possibility that Grandma could keep her robe closed on Christmas morning. Happy Holidays, enjoy your unicorn! They probably sell magical beastie feed at Petco.

Sagittarius: On Wednesday, your sweetie will wink and remind you how long the winter nights can be. Do not say anything about binge-watching all the new movies on Netflix unless you plan to live on the sofa until spring.

Capricorn: Find the positive in everything around you, and avoid the negative. You’ll have a better, less-crispy attitude when figuring out those jumper cables in the middle of a snowstorm.

Aquarius: Don’t be sad that another holiday season is about to pass. Rejoice in the fact that you haven’t beaten anyone with a candy cane because the radio just played “Little Drummer Boy” for the 20, 158th time. It’s the small victories that count.

Pisces: Your imagination is so vivid, you make Walter Mitty look like a complete amateur. Take some of those dreams out into the real world next year and they may come true. But not the one about raptors chasing people in the mall. Sorry.

Aries: Life is passing you by only because it’s in better shape than you are. You could do some cardio to catch up or just wait by the jogging path with a softball bat. Life moves a lot slower when it has to ice its knee every hour.

Taurus: Whenever you feel alone, remember that you have 57 followers on Twitter. Odds are at least one of them is a real person, but the others are spambots trying to sell you naughty videos and real estate.

Gemini: You’ll be a Scrooge on Thursday until you remember that all the holiday cheer isn’t in gifts, it’s in your heart. Because that’s where the cholesterol from all those pies, cookies and ham dinners ended up. Perhaps 2015 should be your year of the rice cake.

Cancer: Forget trying to actually converse with your teenagers this season. Have some spiked eggnog and relax. If you want to connect with young folks, just provide them with solid wi-fi.

Leo: If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands, especially if you’re standing behind a co-worker who’s trying to concentrate. They’ll laugh and twitch and scream in delight.

Virgo: The secret to long life is eating right. That doesn’t involve veggies, just the good sense to never wrinkle your nose when the cook tells you what’s for dinner. Smile and eat, because a set of Paula Deen cookware upside your head can quickly take years off your lifespan.

Libra: Your chances of promotion will be greatly improved when you stop yourself from saying that your boss looks like someone from American Horror Story. Keep biting that tongue, and you could chew your way to a silent partnership.

Scorpio: Winter is a time of reflection, but you’re overdoing it by kissing yourself in the mirror like an amorous parakeet. Try spending some time with your thoughts so they won’t feel so scared and alone.

Sagittarius: You have a shot at an exciting new opportunity, and for once it doesn’t include selling wrapping paper door to door. Break out your best dress-up sweat pants for this one.

Capricorn: Dreams can come true, but only if you’re willing to show up in your underwear in public. It’s best to stay on your meds and not traumatize the little old ladies at the grocery store this week.

Aquarius: The holidays are about spending time with loved ones, then going home and visiting the ones you can tolerate. At the end of the week, you’ve earned that special gift hidden on the top shelf in the closet.

Pisces: You may not be winning any races, but you’ve done amazingly well for someone who has their shoelaces tied together.  Next year, try some Velcro sneakers and see how far you can go.

Aries: Your guilt squishes you down like a bacon press into a hot pan. Make amends for your wrongheadedness before you start to pop and sizzle in a pool of fat and regret.

Taurus: You want to be a better person, if only it didn’t take so much actual work. Give a cheer if you have the energy, because a shortcut to sainthood will pop up on Friday. Take it and you’ll be someone’s  hero of the day.

Gemini: There’s an entire world outside your own head, so quit pacing in your brain’s living room and get some exercise. But take a jacket, it’s chilly out there.

Cancer: You feel like a pretty, pretty princess. The universe doesn’t care whether you’re a lumberjack or ballerina, so slap on that tiara, fluff out that ball gown and work it, honey.

Leo: Some days open like a budding flower, others snap like a cranky crocodile. Practice those fast reactions and stay on your toes, or you could lose a few.

Virgo: Everything isn’t always about you; sometimes it’s just slightly about you. The only thing that would make staring into your belly button more exciting is if there’s a webcam embedded in it. You may not be the lead actor in the play today but you’ll probably steal the show anyway.

Libra: Everyone marches to the beat of their own drums, but you skip along to the sound of a mad hornet caught in a soda can. Keep it up, because sometimes rhythm is overrated.

Scorpio: You can look for the beauty in each moment, but you’re likely to end up with a bunch of pimply, irregular minutes in your day. Gloss them over with a great attitude, some pancake makeup and a three-martini lunch. Everything looks better after that.

Sagittarius: No one’s asking you to be the best, because they know you too well. Try to keep your body parts attached, the car upright and the house in one piece, and you can consider yourself a success.

Capricorn: It would be easier to let a little light into your life if you didn’t have the shades duct-taped to the wall. Make the tiniest effort toward hope and the universe will be so surprised, it will reward you.

Aquarius: Shake up your routine and adopt a parrot with Tourette’s Syndrome. Not only will you be a pet rescuer, the P.T.O. meetings will never be boring again.

Pisces: Rise to the occasion on Wednesday and face the storm front. You’ll find out most storms are just gusts of hot air and short bursts of crocodile tears. This one will pass so fast, Jim Cantore wouldn’t even put on a windbreaker for it.

Aries:  You’re convinced that no good deed goes unpunished. If you’re lucky, though, karma will wear that little leather number while she oils up the paddle.  Looks like you’re lining up a whole string of charitable acts.

Taurus: Opportunity doesn’t always knock. Sometimes it slips a note under the bathroom door. Be prepared to grab your pants and run toward your chance at the big time. You can always buy new underwear later.

Gemini: Fill your mind with good thoughts and you’ll resist that wickedly handsome temptation on Wednesday. Then again, what fun is pure, driven snow if you can’t jump in and dirty it up?

Cancer: You can either update your attitude or your resume on Thursday. So your boss is engaged to an espresso machine; face it, you’ve seen weirder things in that office.

Leo: Know your limits, so you can wave to them when you pass them at high speed this week. Be nice and send them a souvenir mug once you get to Awesometown.

Virgo: Every day holds new challenges, but if you kick it in the groin, it will drop a few easy solutions, too. Remember to run away afterward, because the day usually has steel-tipped boots and thoughts of revenge.

Libra: It’s the time of year to think of others. For example, who stole your keyboard and how can you make them pay? Ah, the holidays, where the flame of rage keeps you warm at night.

Scorpio: Someone’s thinking of you in a sexy way. Time to break out that mojo, but save the Santa g-string for after the Christmas party. You don’t want to be in the company newsletter again.

Sagittarius: Something big is coming your way, and you’re more excited than a geek with the new Star Wars trailer on loop. The Force is with you, but you’ll still have to pay for its dinner.

Capricorn: Only you would end up with an elf on the shelf that also boasts a webcam. Turn that little pervert to the wall and undress in the bathroom, otherwise your shiny butt will be all over the Internet. Hey, it happened to Kim Kardashian.

Aquarius: The world can be a magical place, but you don’t need to wave your wand in people’s faces all the time. Tuck it away before someone yanks it off you, otherwise you’ll be one sore sorcerer.

Pisces: Time is of the essence, but luckily you’re well-stocked with your favorite perfume: procrastination. Try to use it sparingly so you don’t overwhelm those around you.

Aries: Don’t worry about roses having thorns; you should be far more concerned about giant man-eating Venus Flytraps. Step lively in the flower garden this week, and be prepared to prune.

Taurus: It’s an mp3 world, yet you’re still dragging out the Victrola. You may not be in the mainstream, but take comfort in your god-like status among hipsters.

Gemini: Your career hasn’t taken a deliberate nose-dive, it just accidentally sat on the control panel. Pull up and ride out the turbulence. There’s no need to blow up the automatic pilot just yet, even if he asks.

Cancer: If you didn’t expect the Spanish Inquisition, you probably have your spam filter set too high. Tough it out, because holidays with family don’t last forever, only the scars do.

Leo: If you need to meditate, try zoning out in your office. You already have a comfortable chair and your chattering co-workers are the best white noise machines ever.

Virgo: Great things can come with small packages, so quit teasing your sweetie in the bedroom. If you want to improve the unwrapping, steal one of your neighbor’s saucy catalogs. You know, the kind that makes the mailman sweat when he delivers them.

Libra: Life is what you’re doing when you don’t have time to pay attention. Look up from your smartphone once in a while, otherwise you’ll miss all the fun and none of the lamp posts or potholes.

Scorpio: On Thursday, your situation will be greatly improved if you wear pants. Specifically, your pants. It’s a small detail, but an important one to your boss. Remember, Donald Duck and Winnie the Pooh never get promoted.

Sagittarius: The key to happiness is peace of mind. Unfortunately, you never know where your keys are, so that inner calm is alien territory. Ask the universe if you can unlock some temporary thrills with a thumbprint scanner instead.

Capricorn: You don’t have to know where you’re going in life as long as you know where you’ve been. And if you don’t know that, check your friends’ Instagram accounts to re-trace your embarrassing missteps.

Aquarius: No one said life was fair, but if you’re lucky, you can expect it to be partly cloudy with a chance of locusts over the weekend. Don’t complain, at least you can dip those suckers in chocolate and sell them to tourists.

Pisces: Even your goofiest moves can seem graceful and lovely if you set them to the right music. Try a slow-motion montage with a Bette Midler ballad and drop the Benny Hill theme song.

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