Aries:  You’re ready to spread your wings and fly, if only you could quit shaking your tailfeathers for five minutes. Let people bask in your glorious plumage for one more round and get up to some sky-soaring business.

Taurus:  The plan you’ve cooked up to make your family get along will fail. The good news? It goes so hilariously wrong that you’ll sell the rights and your half-witted scheme becomes a huge Disney movie.

Gemini: You will find a dollar next Tuesday, and it will change everything. OK, maybe not everything, but you’re one dollar closer to a peppermint latte.

Cancer: The world discovers your secret talent when you have too much rum cake and break out the karaoke machine this holiday season. Who knew your singing could strip paint off the walls and repel pigeons?

Leo:  A big basket of good luck is casually handed to you on Friday. Keep it close and use it by the expiration date instead of just throwing it in your back seat with the dirty gym clothes.

Virgo: On Wednesday evening, you’ll become a day older. And you still don’t know how to operate the DVR or change the time on your car radio. Make one of these a New Year’s resolution, but not both: that’s too ambitious for you.

Libra: You become a shining example of goodness to your friends and family this week. Be humble about it, or they’ll knock your lights out and steal your batteries.

Scorpio: There are two ways to overcome wanting what you can’t have: work or vodka. There’s also the option of being grateful for what you do have, but we both know that’s not your style.

Sagittarius: If you have a dream, find a wishing well and toss your penny in. You may not get your wish, but you’ll see broke office workers diving for change to the vending machine, and that kind of entertainment is worth two cents.

Capricorn: You’ve had your eye on someone special, but it would mean more if you gave that hottie a bit of jewelry instead. No one wears eyeballs around their neck, it’s so last season.

Aquarius: Success isn’t about the journey or the destination; it’s all about the car you drive to get there. Grab some fuzzy dice and make that ride your own, even if the doors are falling off and the mirror is held on with gum and duct tape.

Pisces: You want to dance like no one is watching, but deep down you know the dog is silently judging you. Buy him some jerky treats so he’ll be distracted while you flail like a limp Muppet to the latest Taylor Swift song.

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