Aries: Lost love may be forever, but the lost remote is still waiting for you behind the second couch cushion to the right. Make its day by playing an Air Supply song when you dramatically fling the cushion aside and embrace it.
Taurus: Of course you’re busy and stressed, but take a hint when the kids say your hair looks just like the fur on that dead chipmunk the cat brought in this morning. Make the extra effort today, and you’ll have more on your hands than a recently deceased chipmunk.
Gemini: If you made a grab toward the brass ring right now, you’d pull several muscles and end up with sprained thighs. Take a yoga class and do some stretches because your chance at success is just around the bend, and flexibility counts.
Cancer: You’ll rock the office on Wednesday when your phone glitches and starts playing the Sex Pistols at full volume during a business meeting. Roll with it by doing an interpretive dance of the final quarter estimations, then lick the client across his forehead. It’s not like you’re getting a holiday bonus anyway.
Leo: The first step toward success is confidence. The second is having dirt on everyone else in the room. Keep those cross-dressing goat videos safe, and you’ll be zooming up the ladder.
Virgo: You crackle when you move, and your eyes are rolling like ping pong balls. Take some time to relax and de-stress before you end up wearing only an American cheese loincloth and singing “Shake It Off” in the grocery store deli aisle.
Libra: If life is a parade, you’re the one following up the horses with a shovel and a baggie. Pass the doo-doo duty to someone else, because you’ll finally have a chance to ride in the prom queen’s convertible on Saturday.
Scorpio: It’s fine to let your freak flag fly, just watch yourself if it snaps in a fierce wind. That can hurt more than a dozen wet towels aimed at your butt. Unless, of course, you’re into that.
Sagittarius: On Friday, your car won’t start, you’ll be late to work and you’ll forget your lunch, but it’s okay because that actor you like finally notices you on Twitter.
Capricorn: Most opportunities knock, but this one tosses pebbles at your window until it wakes you up and makes you look outside. It has enthusiasm, but ask it to meet your dad first before you grab it and run.
Aquarius: The secret word for Thursday is “mango.” Don’t worry, you’ll know when to use it, especially if you’re dating a Scorpio.
Pisces: It’s time to change gears, so don’t panic if shifting into fourth sounds a little rough. You just need to blow a few cobwebs out of your personal engine.