Aries: No one expects the Spanish Inquisition, but no one expects the cable installer to be on time or a politician to tell the truth, either. On Tuesday, be prepared for the comfy chair.

Taurus: It’s hard to find your spot in the universe, because no one supplies a place card. Just keep wedging those butt cheeks into different corners; you’ll eventually find a perfect fit at a bus stop or Denny’s.

Gemini: Everyone applauds your ability to hold your tongue, but they don’t see the duct tape under the make-up. Rip it off tonight and scream into a tub of ice cream before your eyes pop out, so you can go back to being amazing tomorrow without kicking old ladies in the shins.

Cancer: You owe someone an apology this week. Could be your boss or sweetie, but it’s probably the dog, who now has to wear fart-resistant doggie diapers because you’ve blamed a plethora of poots on him. Take some treats to make your “I’m sorry” stick.

Leo: You may not know the score in the game of life, but you can recite all the really funny cheers and you have a talent for keeping beer and hot dogs out of your hair, so you have that going for you.

Virgo: Forget about going where everyone knows your name; they probably  have plenty of dirt on the rest of your life too. Head to a place where no one knows about the wombat and the Cheez Whiz, and you’ll feel better about yourself.

Libra: In every life, a little rain must fall, but you don’t have to stand out in it with your mouth open like a turkey with a death wish. Step into a doorway and cozy up to that hottie; if you’re smooth, you could make your own rainbow.

Scorpio: You have a million-dollar idea but no one will give you two cents of their time. Cash in a few I.O.U.s from some important friends. It may not help, but you’ll enjoy the sweet taste of making them listen through guilt and obligation.

Sagittarius: On Saturday, you’re a rising star! Hold on to your undies, because this will be a wild ride. Also, you don’t want to moon your own moon. That’s embarrassing.

Capricorn: Everyone knows you can’t get blood from a turnip, which is why it’s wise to avoid the school bake sale next week. Those gluten-free turnip muffins should only be used in self-defense.

Aquarius: There’s a song in you, and it’s fighting to get out. Sing loud, sing proud: not only will it feel good, that voice will scare off muggers. It’s like pepper spray that comes out of your mouth.

Pisces: You may not know where you’re going, but you’ll find the coolest souvenirs along the way. It’s not about the destination, it’s about the shopping.

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