You are currently browsing the monthly archive for November 2014.
Aries: You’re ready to spread your wings and fly, if only you could quit shaking your tailfeathers for five minutes. Let people bask in your glorious plumage for one more round and get up to some sky-soaring business.
Taurus: The plan you’ve cooked up to make your family get along will fail. The good news? It goes so hilariously wrong that you’ll sell the rights and your half-witted scheme becomes a huge Disney movie.
Gemini: You will find a dollar next Tuesday, and it will change everything. OK, maybe not everything, but you’re one dollar closer to a peppermint latte.
Cancer: The world discovers your secret talent when you have too much rum cake and break out the karaoke machine this holiday season. Who knew your singing could strip paint off the walls and repel pigeons?
Leo: A big basket of good luck is casually handed to you on Friday. Keep it close and use it by the expiration date instead of just throwing it in your back seat with the dirty gym clothes.
Virgo: On Wednesday evening, you’ll become a day older. And you still don’t know how to operate the DVR or change the time on your car radio. Make one of these a New Year’s resolution, but not both: that’s too ambitious for you.
Libra: You become a shining example of goodness to your friends and family this week. Be humble about it, or they’ll knock your lights out and steal your batteries.
Scorpio: There are two ways to overcome wanting what you can’t have: work or vodka. There’s also the option of being grateful for what you do have, but we both know that’s not your style.
Sagittarius: If you have a dream, find a wishing well and toss your penny in. You may not get your wish, but you’ll see broke office workers diving for change to the vending machine, and that kind of entertainment is worth two cents.
Capricorn: You’ve had your eye on someone special, but it would mean more if you gave that hottie a bit of jewelry instead. No one wears eyeballs around their neck, it’s so last season.
Aquarius: Success isn’t about the journey or the destination; it’s all about the car you drive to get there. Grab some fuzzy dice and make that ride your own, even if the doors are falling off and the mirror is held on with gum and duct tape.
Pisces: You want to dance like no one is watching, but deep down you know the dog is silently judging you. Buy him some jerky treats so he’ll be distracted while you flail like a limp Muppet to the latest Taylor Swift song.
Aries: Lost love may be forever, but the lost remote is still waiting for you behind the second couch cushion to the right. Make its day by playing an Air Supply song when you dramatically fling the cushion aside and embrace it.
Taurus: Of course you’re busy and stressed, but take a hint when the kids say your hair looks just like the fur on that dead chipmunk the cat brought in this morning. Make the extra effort today, and you’ll have more on your hands than a recently deceased chipmunk.
Gemini: If you made a grab toward the brass ring right now, you’d pull several muscles and end up with sprained thighs. Take a yoga class and do some stretches because your chance at success is just around the bend, and flexibility counts.
Cancer: You’ll rock the office on Wednesday when your phone glitches and starts playing the Sex Pistols at full volume during a business meeting. Roll with it by doing an interpretive dance of the final quarter estimations, then lick the client across his forehead. It’s not like you’re getting a holiday bonus anyway.
Leo: The first step toward success is confidence. The second is having dirt on everyone else in the room. Keep those cross-dressing goat videos safe, and you’ll be zooming up the ladder.
Virgo: You crackle when you move, and your eyes are rolling like ping pong balls. Take some time to relax and de-stress before you end up wearing only an American cheese loincloth and singing “Shake It Off” in the grocery store deli aisle.
Libra: If life is a parade, you’re the one following up the horses with a shovel and a baggie. Pass the doo-doo duty to someone else, because you’ll finally have a chance to ride in the prom queen’s convertible on Saturday.
Scorpio: It’s fine to let your freak flag fly, just watch yourself if it snaps in a fierce wind. That can hurt more than a dozen wet towels aimed at your butt. Unless, of course, you’re into that.
Sagittarius: On Friday, your car won’t start, you’ll be late to work and you’ll forget your lunch, but it’s okay because that actor you like finally notices you on Twitter.
Capricorn: Most opportunities knock, but this one tosses pebbles at your window until it wakes you up and makes you look outside. It has enthusiasm, but ask it to meet your dad first before you grab it and run.
Aquarius: The secret word for Thursday is “mango.” Don’t worry, you’ll know when to use it, especially if you’re dating a Scorpio.
Pisces: It’s time to change gears, so don’t panic if shifting into fourth sounds a little rough. You just need to blow a few cobwebs out of your personal engine.
Aries: No one expects the Spanish Inquisition, but no one expects the cable installer to be on time or a politician to tell the truth, either. On Tuesday, be prepared for the comfy chair.
Taurus: It’s hard to find your spot in the universe, because no one supplies a place card. Just keep wedging those butt cheeks into different corners; you’ll eventually find a perfect fit at a bus stop or Denny’s.
Gemini: Everyone applauds your ability to hold your tongue, but they don’t see the duct tape under the make-up. Rip it off tonight and scream into a tub of ice cream before your eyes pop out, so you can go back to being amazing tomorrow without kicking old ladies in the shins.
Cancer: You owe someone an apology this week. Could be your boss or sweetie, but it’s probably the dog, who now has to wear fart-resistant doggie diapers because you’ve blamed a plethora of poots on him. Take some treats to make your “I’m sorry” stick.
Leo: You may not know the score in the game of life, but you can recite all the really funny cheers and you have a talent for keeping beer and hot dogs out of your hair, so you have that going for you.
Virgo: Forget about going where everyone knows your name; they probably have plenty of dirt on the rest of your life too. Head to a place where no one knows about the wombat and the Cheez Whiz, and you’ll feel better about yourself.
Libra: In every life, a little rain must fall, but you don’t have to stand out in it with your mouth open like a turkey with a death wish. Step into a doorway and cozy up to that hottie; if you’re smooth, you could make your own rainbow.
Scorpio: You have a million-dollar idea but no one will give you two cents of their time. Cash in a few I.O.U.s from some important friends. It may not help, but you’ll enjoy the sweet taste of making them listen through guilt and obligation.
Sagittarius: On Saturday, you’re a rising star! Hold on to your undies, because this will be a wild ride. Also, you don’t want to moon your own moon. That’s embarrassing.
Capricorn: Everyone knows you can’t get blood from a turnip, which is why it’s wise to avoid the school bake sale next week. Those gluten-free turnip muffins should only be used in self-defense.
Aquarius: There’s a song in you, and it’s fighting to get out. Sing loud, sing proud: not only will it feel good, that voice will scare off muggers. It’s like pepper spray that comes out of your mouth.
Pisces: You may not know where you’re going, but you’ll find the coolest souvenirs along the way. It’s not about the destination, it’s about the shopping.
Aries: Forget the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow; you’ll find a fast food coupon at the end of the parking lot, which is much better. Leprechauns don’t exist, but pumpkin lattes do.
Taurus: Stop the soul-searching; you could slide that sucker under a two-photon microscope and still not find out anything new. Just try to be nice to people so they don’t spit in your food or let the elevator doors close on you. That’s enough.
Gemini: If you wait for the right time and place, you’ll miss some gloriously fun mistakes. Throw caution to the wind, and remember to duck if it changes direction. You don’t want to be cold-cocked by an updraft.
Cancer: Sure, you’re poetry in motion, but it’s more like a bad limerick cruising on a sputtering moped. That look can still work for you, as long as you wear oversized sunglasses and do a few pratfalls.
Leo: Every day is a fresh block of clay, so quit rolling it up and making turds out of it. You don’t have to aim for the Venus de Milo, but you’re capable of a second-grade art project dinosaur at the very least.
Virgo: Some bring charisma, others bring sparkle, but everyone knows what you bring to the party: chips. Make them the cheddar cheese flavor instead of plain, unless you plan to broaden your social skills by bringing dip too.
Libra: Success is defined by the lives you touch, although everyone wishes you’d wash your hands occasionally. You don’t have to leave such sticky fingerprints when you share, so keep some wet wipes handy for karmic purposes.
Scorpio: Thursday will hand you a challenge, but don’t wait to answer it until you’ve dramatically paused for a commercial break. This isn’t a reality show and opportunity doesn’t care about station identification.
Sagittarius: Someone’s dropping hints on you at home, but you refuse to take off that silly helmet. Don’t worry, a few notions won’t mess up your hair but if you keep ignoring your sweetie, a cast iron pan might.
Capricorn: Wednesday is a good day for harvesting your crops, giving to the needy or binge-watching “The Walking Dead” until you’re hiding under the bed and peeing on yourself; just depends on which one applies most to your life.
Aquarius: Say the magic word on Friday and a wealth of treasures will be yours. If the magic word is your safeword, it will also keep someone from gluing a salad spinner to your butt, which is something to be thankful for on its own.
Pisces: Quit living under a rock; that’s only suitable for pink starfish wearing boxer shorts. Step into the sunlight occasionally so you can get a little color and to prove you’re not a vampire.