Aries: You’re like Taylor Swift without a breakup; you’re feeling uninspired. On Tuesday, you’ll see yourself in a new light. A fantastic, cash-rolling, we’re-in-the-money light. Prepare those pockets for some simple melodies and heavy jingling.
Taurus: Every day is a fresh chance to completely screw something up. Call the florist now, because you’re going to need the “politician caught in the men’s bathroom” bouquet along with the industrial-size apology.
Gemini: You’re the tater tots on your sweetie’s lunchroom tray, but lately you’ve been acting like week-old mystery meat. Crisp up your edges, maybe rub a little bacon behind your ears, and you won’t be left behind.
Cancer: The world’s a circus, and somewhere there’s an elephant who remembers all your bad ideas. Load up the truck with peanuts and sweet talk, because you’re going to need their approval before the weekend. It’s been too long since you visited family, anyway.
Leo: Lately, you couldn’t catch a break if you covered your hands in Velcro. Hang in there, because someone’s giving you a big-ass butterfly net to get the job done. Might want to take off that Velcro first, though.
Virgo: You can bring the volcano to work, but that doesn’t mean virgins will just jump in. You’ll need another way to thin the herd, like cancelling raises. Then you’ll have the volcano all to yourself.
Libra: A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush, but why are you catching wild birds in the first place? Adopt one and you can teach it some dirty words. That’s far more fun.
Scorpio: You think you’re bringing sexy back, but it refuses to ride in the car with you. Drop the Axe body spray and ride around with the windows down for a while.
Sagittarius: That new sweetie may not be the love of your life, just the highlight of your weekend. Lower your expectations; you won’t have a life partner just yet, but you’ll have a heck of a story.
Capricorn: The best things in life are free, but the really cool stuff requires cash. Quit cheaping out on dates and pry open your wallet if you want to make any progress with that hottie.
Aquarius: Life is beautiful, especially if you squint your eyes and look at it in the right light. Right now that’s good enough, you don’t need to gaze upon it sober and in full daylight. Leave that for another time.
Pisces: Going with the flow is fine, as long as you don’t suddenly find yourself circling the drain after someone flushes. If you discover yourself spinning in circles, sail out to sea, or you’ll be surfing some yellow waves.