Aries: The best way to get a few fresh, crisp days is to buy a new calendar. Get something sassy with nuns or cats; the pictures will distract you from this week.
Taurus: You may feel like a box of donuts backstage at a beauty pageant: unloved and unwanted. But here’s the truth: you are desired, and someone might take a bite out of you when no one’s looking.
Gemini: The easiest path may be hard to miss, but it never takes you past any little greasy spoon cafes where they make legendary apple pie. Go offroad for a while, the adventure will be worth it.
Cancer: Silence is golden but keeping quiet when someone does something stupid? That’s platinum-level behavior right there. Reward yourself with some ice cream, it will feel good after you’ve bitten your tongue for days.
Leo: This week is a time for reflection, but who can see anything with your breath steaming up the mirror? Back off a few inches so you can examine more than just your nose hair.
Virgo: You can see your goal, but it’s just out of reach. Instead of jumping like a maniac, scoot a stepladder over and pluck that sucker out of the tree. Don’t wait for it to drop, because someone else could scoop it up first.
Libra: The race usually goes to the swiftest and smartest, but sometimes karma throws the goofiest a bone, too. Get ready to sprint toward the finish line while everyone else ends up with a charley horse.
Scorpio: You’re looking so fine on Tuesday, you should stay off the sidewalks so you don’t cause traffic accidents. Turn that mojo down to simmer at work, or you’ll be leaving some interesting prints on the photocopier.
Sagittarius: You can’t make an omelet without breaking a few eggs, but no one expects you to take a baseball bat to the refrigerator, either. Dig deep in your kitchen drawers and find some unused sensitivity and tact.
Capricorn: Forget old dogs and new tricks; you’re more of a middle-aged ferret with a tightrope act. Step lively and smile, because you’re the best show in town.
Aquarius: You always like leaving yourself a little wiggle room, but that’s because you know how good you look in those jeans. Someone else is watching your moves; if you play your mixtape just right you’ll end up with a hip-swaying sweetie.
Pisces: You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and you have a sitcom that haunts you to this day. Seriously, how did Mrs. Garrett not end up chasing those girls with a taser? Meditate on this while you wait for your blood pressure to ease down.