You are currently browsing the monthly archive for October 2014.

Aries: You’re like Taylor Swift without a breakup; you’re feeling uninspired. On Tuesday, you’ll see yourself in a new light. A fantastic, cash-rolling, we’re-in-the-money light. Prepare those pockets for some simple melodies and heavy jingling.

Taurus: Every day is a fresh chance to completely screw something up. Call the florist now, because you’re going to need the “politician caught in the men’s bathroom” bouquet along with the industrial-size apology.

Gemini: You’re the tater tots on your sweetie’s lunchroom tray, but lately you’ve been acting like week-old mystery meat. Crisp up your edges, maybe rub a little bacon behind your ears, and you won’t be left behind.

Cancer: The world’s a circus, and somewhere there’s an elephant who remembers all your bad ideas. Load up the truck with peanuts and sweet talk, because you’re going to need their approval before the weekend. It’s been too long since you visited family, anyway.

Leo: Lately, you couldn’t catch a break if you covered your hands in Velcro. Hang in there, because someone’s giving you a big-ass butterfly net to get the job done. Might want to take off that Velcro first, though.

Virgo: You can bring the volcano to work, but that doesn’t mean virgins will just jump in. You’ll need another way to thin the herd, like cancelling raises. Then you’ll have the volcano all to yourself.

Libra: A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush, but why are you catching wild birds in the first place? Adopt one and you can teach it some dirty words. That’s far more fun.

Scorpio: You think you’re bringing sexy back, but it refuses to ride in the car with you. Drop the Axe body spray and ride around with the windows down for a while.

Sagittarius: That new sweetie may not be the love of your life, just the highlight of your weekend. Lower your expectations; you won’t have a life partner just yet, but you’ll have a heck of a story.

Capricorn: The best things in life are free, but the really cool stuff requires cash. Quit cheaping out on dates and pry open your wallet if you want to make any progress with that hottie.

Aquarius: Life is beautiful, especially if you squint your eyes and look at it in the right light. Right now that’s good enough, you don’t need to gaze upon it sober and in full daylight. Leave that for another time.

Pisces: Going with the flow is fine, as long as you don’t suddenly find yourself circling the drain after someone flushes. If you discover yourself spinning in circles, sail out to sea, or you’ll be surfing some yellow waves.



Aries: A lot of people are in the same boat as you, but few can paddle with your swinging style. Slap that oar around and make some waves on Thursday.

Taurus: Of course you’re a special little snowflake, but that doesn’t mean much when the temperature rises. Work on your skills so you’ll have something to fall back on when your ego melts in the light of day.

Gemini: You don’t need to know all the answers, but it would help if you had one or two in your pocket. Broaden your horizons and reel in a few more facts before someone hooks you with a tough question.

Cancer: Tempers flare this week at work, but don’t go off half-cocked or deliver any tongue-lashings. Both will land you in Human Resources for yet another sexual harassment workshop.

Leo: No need to heat people up and bend them to your will like some sort of emotional blacksmith. Kindness and patience will make them do loop-de-loops like a crazy straw, and it will be all on their own. Or you can keep doing what you’re doing and someone will bop you with your own anvil.

Virgo: It’s fine to look on the bright side, but that nightlight may be overkill. Relax and enjoy the dark. Night has its own positive side, like the fact no one can tell you haven’t vacuumed in a few weeks.

Libra: So you screwed up. Big deal. At least no one was hurt and it didn’t end up on YouTube or the nightly news. Next time you’ll know to use a bigger net and shorter heels.

Scorpio: You can lead a horse to water, but you won’t like the lemonade he makes. Quit hiring personal pony maids and do your own work for once. At least you’ll be drinking your own Kool-Aid for a change.

Sagittarius: It takes a big person to admit their mistakes, but you’re still rather small. Start by owning up to that outfit; humility and a bit of fashion sense will come a little easier.

Capricorn: You feel undefeatable on Wednesday, so it’s a great time to ask for a raise or bicker with your ex over when the check is due. Don’t get into an argument with your kids over My Little Pony, though, because no one can win that.

Aquarius: The winds of change are streaming in, but it’s up to you whether the breeze fills your sails or just blows smoke up your butt. Get into position so you’re flying across the water and not in the air like a Macy’s parade balloon.

Pisces: You may be on the right track, but you’ve completely forgotten which train you were chasing. Chill out at the station for a while, and let it come to you.

Aries: The best way to get a few fresh, crisp days is to buy a new calendar. Get something sassy with nuns or cats; the pictures will distract you from this week.

Taurus: You may feel like a box of donuts backstage at a beauty pageant: unloved and unwanted. But here’s the truth: you are desired, and someone might take a bite out of you when no one’s looking.

Gemini: The easiest path may be hard to miss, but it never takes you past any little greasy spoon cafes where they make legendary apple pie. Go offroad for a while, the adventure will be worth it.

Cancer: Silence is golden but keeping quiet when someone does something stupid? That’s platinum-level behavior right there. Reward yourself with some ice cream, it will feel good after you’ve bitten your tongue for days.

Leo: This week is a time for reflection, but who can see anything with your breath steaming up the mirror? Back off a few inches so you can examine more than just your nose hair.

Virgo: You can see your goal, but it’s just out of reach. Instead of jumping like a maniac, scoot a stepladder over and pluck that sucker out of the tree. Don’t wait for it to drop, because someone else could scoop it up first.

Libra: The race usually goes to the swiftest and smartest, but sometimes karma throws the goofiest a bone, too. Get ready to sprint toward the finish line while everyone else ends up with a charley horse.

Scorpio: You’re looking so fine on Tuesday, you should stay off the sidewalks so you don’t cause traffic accidents. Turn that mojo down to simmer at work, or you’ll be leaving some interesting prints on the photocopier.

Sagittarius: You can’t make an omelet without breaking a few eggs, but no one expects you to take a baseball bat to the refrigerator, either. Dig deep in your kitchen drawers and find some unused sensitivity and tact.

Capricorn: Forget old dogs and new tricks; you’re more of a middle-aged ferret with a tightrope act. Step lively and smile, because you’re the best show in town.

Aquarius: You always like leaving yourself a little wiggle room, but that’s because you know how good you look in those jeans. Someone else is watching your moves; if you play your mixtape just right you’ll end up with a hip-swaying sweetie.

Pisces:  You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and you have a sitcom that haunts you to this day. Seriously, how did Mrs. Garrett not end up chasing those girls with a taser? Meditate on this while you wait for your blood pressure to ease down.

Aries: A straight line is the quickest route between two points, but you’ve never been the logical one. Go ahead and take that Crazy Straw path to your destination. If nothing else, you could be hired by Google Maps.

Taurus: A question of the ages looms before you. Weigh your options carefully, then decide between the pumpkin spice bagel or the cream-filled pastry. This will be the most important decision you make before lunch.

Gemini: Someone thinks your elevator doesn’t go all the way to the top, but they don’t know you’re basically a haunted house. Flap your shutters at them a few times and rattle some chains. They’ll take the hint.

Cancer: If you knew then what you know now, you would have been so obnoxious then that you wouldn’t have learned anything to know what you know now. Ignorance can be bliss, especially for other people.

Leo: There’s a light in your eyes, but this time it’s not from sticking a fork into a toaster. You’ve been struck with actual inspiration, so wipe the soot off your head and make a plan. It’s just crazy enough to work.

Virgo: You’ve been singing the song of your people to everyone at work. Unfortunately, that ditty includes a great deal of whining, moaning and basic bellyaching. Try a new tune before someone manually resets your mental playlist.

Libra: You’re feeling sexier than a deserted room filled with fresh donuts and free wi-fi. Rub a little frosting behind your ear and tell your sweetie to be ready for some high-speed fun. After that, you can buffer together.

Scorpio: Don’t worry if you forget all the words to your personal soundtrack. Make some up, or just hum a few bars until it all comes back. Everyone loves a hummer.

Sagittarius: You may feel like you’re sinking, but look closer: you have at least a half dozen of those floaty life rings wedged around your middle. Quit exhausting yourself fighting the current and tell your crew onshore to reel you in.

Capricorn: Sure, love is the answer, especially if the question is “What can kick you in the balls and make you feel happy about it?” If you’re not ready for that kind of love, wear a cup on Thursday.

Aquarius: You can reach for the stars all you want, but you won’t get far unless you build the rocket ship to get you there. Dreams that come true are usually backed up with skills and experience, so get cracking.

Pisces: When you can’t see the forest for the trees, pick a tall one and build a nice treehouse instead. Who needs the whole forest when you’ve got your own mighty oak equipped with cable TV and a recliner?

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