Aries: Some days you’re the cute little cup of espresso, other days you’re the coffee grounds. No matter which one describes your day, if someone licks you, be assured you can still pack a punch.

Taurus: Finding your purpose isn’t as easy as finding your keys, although both can be knocked behind the refrigerator by the cat. Limber up, because some interesting positions will be required.

Gemini: The best things in life are free, but it’s still going to cost you a bus ticket to get there. Either save up your pennies or sweeten up a sugar daddy.

Cancer: Don’t fret if a promotion is just out of your reach. Buy one of those grabber tools and take it into your boss’ office. A few gooses with a weird robot hand will make your promotion will appear. Or a pink slip. Could go either way.

Leo: No one expects you to be the best, but they would be impressed if you wore your underwear on the inside this week. Dial down the crazy and you’ll be treated to a special soundtrack: dozens of people sighing in relief.

Virgo: You have a special talent for making people ill at ease. Use that skill to get out of a parent/teacher conference or a tax audit. Don’t use it too much, though, or you’ll be the weird guy with a backyard full of confiscated baseballs and Frisbees.

Libra: Everyone should know their limits, but you’re the one head-butting them on a daily basis. Two pieces of advice: wear a helmet, and keep going. Eventually those barriers will move.

Scorpio: Your latest harebrained scheme won’t make you a million dollars, but you will be known on the Internet as “that rutabaga pyramid dude.” Hey, fifteen minutes is fifteen minutes, right?

Sagittarius: Your love life is looking like a MySpace page: abandoned, unkempt and unwanted. Spruce it up before you try to reconnect with any former friends, and wax off those wild, sprouting ads.

Capricorn: It’s hard to put your best foot forward when your first move is landing on your face. You’ll recover well if you jump up, smile and tell people you’re doing an interpretive dance of the office mission statement.

Aquarius: Sometimes the universe gives you a clue with a gentle nudge, and other times it sports an Acme sledgehammer swung by an over-stimulated coyote. Take action when you get the hint so you won’t be walking around like an accordion.

Pisces: You always know the right things to say—unfortunately, you usually think of them the next day. On Thursday, the right words come at the right time, giving you a shot at the right gig. Don’t talk too much,though, or they will realize you’re a bit of a loon.