You are currently browsing the monthly archive for September 2014.

Aries: Don’t fret about your last hurrah. You still have a whole box of “Woo Hoo!” to use up, plus a truckload of “Oh crap.” Work through those first.

Taurus: Things may seem tough now, but be assured; if you don’t work through this they can definitely get tougher. Even one baby step at a time is considered progress.

Gemini: You know the score, mainly because you’re the one who rigged the game. Sometimes corking your own bat doesn’t work, but this time your strategy nails you a home run. If you wonder where your guilty conscience is, it’s up in the stands selling beer because it’s tired of working for peanuts, too.

Cancer: Lucky breaks are usually hard to come by, but you stumble into a nest of them this week. A few may even follow you home, so set out some snacks. They could fatten into ripe opportunities.

Leo: Easy Street is just marketing; there are still potholes, but they’re advertised as built-in pools. Every road has its hazards, but you’re about to get a much smoother drive.

Virgo: There’s nothing more beautiful than a well thought out plan, but a half-assed bad one is way more fun to watch. Get your popcorn, because someone in your family is about to put on a show. Also, keep some Band-Aids and bail money on hand, just in case.

Libra: Everyone warns you about flying too close to the sun, but no one worries about you digging to the center of the earth. Before you start throwing dirt around, make sure you have a plan in place to deal with radioactive mole men.

Scorpio: You have a grand idea, but someone will try to bust it down to just a wild hunch. Ignore them or you’ll soon shelve it with all the other unrealized inklings and never achieve anything at all.

Sagittarius: In every life some rain must fall, but you’ve been holding on like Jack from “Titanic.” You don’t have to sink, just whip out your phone and order up a jet ski from Amazon. By using your own wits, you’ll leave that wreck far behind.

Capricorn: You’re the cream in someone’s coffee, the jam on their bread. This means you’re very sweet, and people can only handle you in small doses. Give them some space and add a little tartness to your repertoire; it will make you even more tempting.

Aquarius: Your confidence is hidden like a needle in a haystack. Get some big magnets and drag it out.  You shouldn’t be sewing atop hay bales anyway, unless you’re into extreme embroidery.

Pisces: The answers are blowing in the wind, and a few will hit you in the face like airborne plastic grocery bags. Just be grateful they’re filled with good things instead of used tissues or cat poop.


Aries: Some days you’re the cute little cup of espresso, other days you’re the coffee grounds. No matter which one describes your day, if someone licks you, be assured you can still pack a punch.

Taurus: Finding your purpose isn’t as easy as finding your keys, although both can be knocked behind the refrigerator by the cat. Limber up, because some interesting positions will be required.

Gemini: The best things in life are free, but it’s still going to cost you a bus ticket to get there. Either save up your pennies or sweeten up a sugar daddy.

Cancer: Don’t fret if a promotion is just out of your reach. Buy one of those grabber tools and take it into your boss’ office. A few gooses with a weird robot hand will make your promotion will appear. Or a pink slip. Could go either way.

Leo: No one expects you to be the best, but they would be impressed if you wore your underwear on the inside this week. Dial down the crazy and you’ll be treated to a special soundtrack: dozens of people sighing in relief.

Virgo: You have a special talent for making people ill at ease. Use that skill to get out of a parent/teacher conference or a tax audit. Don’t use it too much, though, or you’ll be the weird guy with a backyard full of confiscated baseballs and Frisbees.

Libra: Everyone should know their limits, but you’re the one head-butting them on a daily basis. Two pieces of advice: wear a helmet, and keep going. Eventually those barriers will move.

Scorpio: Your latest harebrained scheme won’t make you a million dollars, but you will be known on the Internet as “that rutabaga pyramid dude.” Hey, fifteen minutes is fifteen minutes, right?

Sagittarius: Your love life is looking like a MySpace page: abandoned, unkempt and unwanted. Spruce it up before you try to reconnect with any former friends, and wax off those wild, sprouting ads.

Capricorn: It’s hard to put your best foot forward when your first move is landing on your face. You’ll recover well if you jump up, smile and tell people you’re doing an interpretive dance of the office mission statement.

Aquarius: Sometimes the universe gives you a clue with a gentle nudge, and other times it sports an Acme sledgehammer swung by an over-stimulated coyote. Take action when you get the hint so you won’t be walking around like an accordion.

Pisces: You always know the right things to say—unfortunately, you usually think of them the next day. On Thursday, the right words come at the right time, giving you a shot at the right gig. Don’t talk too much,though, or they will realize you’re a bit of a loon.

Aries: Tit for tat has nothing to do with flashing and tattoos, but that doesn’t mean you can’t make some interesting exchanges this weekend. Whichever side you’re on, don’t forget the sunscreen.

Taurus: There is beauty in every single day, but you’ll never see it through a dirty window. Grab the Windex and start scrubbing; life will look much brighter when you can actually view it up close.

Gemini: You don’t have all the answers, but you do think up some rather entertaining questions. Start a blog or write a book; why be confused alone when you can confound the world?

Cancer:Logic may feel like a foreign country but the least you can do is learn the language. Quit thinking with your crotch and you may even earn a passport.

Leo: If everything’s coming up roses, don’t whine for marigolds. Enjoy your garden, even if it’s just a blooming onion on your plate. Ketchup, anyone?

Virgo: A one-in-a-million chance is heading your way on Friday. Sit out in the driveway with the butterfly net, because a shot like this is rarer than a 60 Minutes interview with Bigfoot. In fact, you might even need a camera crew with you.

Libra: There will be a moment on Thursday afternoon when you doubt everything you’ve accomplished in life. Ride that out, and your all-star chicken steampunk movie idea is on the fast track to success.

Scorpio: A co-worker comes to you with a problem on Tuesday. If you manage to keep a straight face and remove the toner cartridge from their underwear, you’ll win the day.

Sagittarius: You’re feeling more lost than Batman at a family reunion. Don’t worry about feeling out of place, just keep an eye out for the Joker bringing seven-layer bean dip and keep the Bat-Beano at the ready.

Capricorn: You’ve nearly finished a project, now it’s time for that last piece. If it doesn’t fit perfectly, grab the Super Glue, stick that sucker on and call it art. No one will know the difference.

Aquarius: Sometimes doing a great job means severely cutting back on your Internet cat video-watching time. It’s a sacrifice, sure, but if you earn more money you can afford better broadband for those weekend YouTube binges.

Pisces: Don’t freak out, but that weird feeling inside your chest isn’t a heart flutter; it’s contentment mixed with a dash of confidence. It’s not a superpower yet, but it can definitely make you do some amazing things this week.

Aries: So-called friends may bail on you this Friday, leaving you holding the bag. Don’t worry, it just means more apple pies and fries for you, and less dead weight in your life.

Taurus: Why worry about the sun melting your wings when you’re still in the closet fighting the moths? Jump out there and stretch those flappers; it’s easier to get off the ground when you can see the sky.

Gemini: Unlike beef stew and cottage cheese, your dreams don’t have an expiration date, so why are you tossing them into the recycle bin? Dust them off and check for mold; you may have been storing your greatest achievements next to the brown lettuce all this time.

Cancer: Ideas are like children: bring them up right and you’ll have something to be proud of; let them run wild and they’ll ruin your carpet. Your imagination is currently swinging from the streetlight, so a time out is probably in order.

Leo: You don’t have to scale every mountain, some peaks are just meant to look good on postcards. Give your Sherpa a break and admire the scenery instead of trampling it.

Virgo: The mysteries of life are heartfelt and complex, and it takes more than a Google search to solve them. You’ll need Google Maps as well. Remember, the road less traveled is usually buggy in the Beta version.

Libra: Your week is like a badly translated Chinese algebra problem; something’s not adding up. You can go to the board and show your work to the whole class, or just claim to invent a totally new brand of math.

Scorpio: The early bird isn’t up catch a worm, he’s waiting with a camera to see you on your Sunday morning walk of shame. Do your best strut in those rumpled clothes and never let ‘em know your underwear is inside out.

Sagittarius: Just as you wish upon a faraway star, someone may be looking to you for inspiration as well. Shine brightly and encourage everyone within your reach. They don’t have to know you’re just a hot ball of gas at home.

Capricorn: You think you have a situation all sewn up, but someone at work is about to pull a loose thread. Snip them off quick before they unravel your big plan.

Aquarius: Home may be where the heart is, but your heart could use a jog around the block. Kick that ticker off the couch and play in the sunshine; you’ll find the right beat soon enough.

Pisces: Summer’s almost over, and you haven’t found the great escape yet. Hang in there, Houdini, because you’re going to drop those chains, disappear into fun and wow your audience at the same time.

Aries: Most people reap what they sow, but you won’t even get near the garden.  Munch on dandelions for a while and you’ll finally choose to get your hands dirty.

Taurus: Not every cloud in the sky is an impending storm; sometimes they float by to give you a bit of shade. Enjoy the break, you’ll be back in the thick of things before you know it.

Gemini: Your wild idea gets a chance of success when you meet an investor with way too much cash and not enough brain cells. Make sure they sign the check before they chew on any more paint chips.

Cancer: There’s no accounting for taste, so you won’t be held responsible for that outfit you’re wearing. Be glad the fashion police aren’t allowed to have tasers.

Leo: You’ve put others before  yourself, and the universe has noticed. Karma could stick a lottery win in your pocket or slip a few dollar bills in your g-string, so don’t go crazy until you’ve fished your prize from your underpants.

Virgo:  You want everything to be in place, but life isn’t like a Swiss clock. It’s more of a jigsaw puzzle with a few pieces missing, a dozen pieces chewed up by the dog and one stubborn piece lodged in a toddler’s nose. The picture isn’t tidy but it’s definitely interesting.

Libra: If you’re looking for peace in your soul, it’s under the stack of 1980s punk lyrics and next to those beat-up hopes and dreams from your twenties. Do a little inner housecleaning and you’ll find it in no time.

Scorpio: The journey lies ahead of you, but you can’t manage that first step. Change into your tattered flip-flops; you’ll soon trip, land and be on your way with the slapping sound of progress.

Sagittarius: Right now you feel like a bunch of bananas in the monkey house: you are very appealing, but things could get hairy fast. Make your escape before the screaming and poo-slinging starts.

Capricorn: Road blocks aren’t there to stop you, they exist to make you more creative. Do a little off-roading and you’ll find an entirely new way to be weird. Who knows? People may even pay you for it.

Aquarius: You have all the tools needed for this hot new project, but you can’t use them all at once. You’re gonna need a bigger belt.

Pisces: The change you like is the kind that fills your piggy bank, but another change will make your life better this week. Just think of each new day as a bright, shiny quarter, all yours to spend.

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