You are currently browsing the monthly archive for August 2014.

Aries: You’re faced with an uncomfortable truth, but it will take more than digging in your underwear to solve it. Consider this a mental wedgie, not a physical one, and use some hand sanitizer before you go back to work.

Taurus: There’s a bright spot in your day, but you don’t see it as a perk, just a reason to buy more sunscreen. Lighten up! Not every sliver of sunshine indicates a hole in your umbrella.

Gemini: Sometimes the universe screws up and gives you exactly what you want, when you want it. Don’t say anything, just walk funny for a few days so no one knows it’s a perfect fit.

Cancer: You have a lot going for you, but if you don’t speed up it will leave you behind. Ambition needs a secure trailer hitch on opportunity or it will leave you stranded at the rest stop.

Leo: Every dog has his day but you’re the pushy pooch demanding a fortnight. Sometimes contentment comes in bite-size moments instead of economy-sized bags.

Virgo: You create your own opportunities this week, so skip that project with the pipe cleaners and school glue, and make something that lasts forever, like melted Jujubes.

Libra: Good fortune lands in your lap on Thursday, so don’t be surprised if you hear a splat. Might be a good idea to carry some tissues with you, too.

Scorpio: Both hope and a good coil of rope can pull you out of a hole or build a bridge, but only one can be used to lasso a cow. Unless you’re a cow whisperer, in which case you should question your life choices.

Sagittarius: A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush, but it all sounds rather messy. Leave the birds to do their thing and hunt down a good veggie burger, you’ll have far less bird poop to wash off.

Capricorn: Someone’s looking for a scapegoat at work, so keep your horns low. Try being a sheep for a few days, because your mutton impersonation isn’t too ba-a-a-a-a-ad.

Aquarius:  Keeping a positive attitude is laudable, but having a plan is even better.  Think everything through, don’t forget the batteries, and leave the wombats at home.

Pisces: To you, big decisions are a lot like grizzly bears: terrifying when you’re up close and you’re afraid to make the wrong move. Take a breath and start with a teddy bear; that small decision will help you outwit your challenge.


Aries: Not only have you put the cart before the horse, you don’t even remember which field you kept him in. Pull yourself together before Seabiscuit runs up your cable bill in the guest bedroom with pay-per-view horse shows.

Taurus: Every day is a gift, but some are the wrong size and others break before you can use them properly. You’ll have a brand new day tomorrow, but keep your receipt because there are no guarantees about its quality.

Gemini: Every new journey starts out with that first step. It’s the universe’s job to make it an adventure, but it’s your job to make sure that step isn’t straight off a cliff. You’re not Wile E. Coyote.

Cancer: Inner peace isn’t a lake you swim in, it’s more of a puddle you can dip a toe in occasionally. Only yogis get dogpaddling privileges, so appreciate those cool, splashy moments when you can.

Leo: Goals are great, but if you get too wrapped up in them, you forget how nice it is to just flap your wings and enjoy the breeze for a while. Pry yourself out of that duct tape cocoon you’ve built; you need a break.

Virgo: You’re seven pounds of sexy in a five-pound bag; the world can not contain you this week. Work that mojo and someone will jump in that sack with you.

Libra: On Friday night, you steal the show. On Saturday, the managers will kindly ask you to put it back. Better do what they say, they know jazz hands.

Scorpio: You’re feeling more driven than a limo on prom night. Rev that engine and enjoy the ride, because later you’ll be hosing angst and vomit off the upholstery.

Sagittarius: If you’re wondering who all these people are in your house, maybe you should take some time off and re-discover your family. Pack everyone up for a vacation week of small spaces, too much togetherness and overpriced food. That’ll bring the love out.

Capricorn: No one knows how much time we have on this earth, but you’ll end up with an egg timer instead of a grandfather clock if you keep thinking with your butt instead of your brain. Leave a few canyons unjumped on Friday.

Aquarius: You feel like you’re on the right track, but you haven’t seen a train yet. Quit pushing that handcar and buy a cheap ticket on the 5:00 Express, you’ll get there much faster.

Pisces: You can pick yourself up by your own bootstraps, but you look really funny walking that way. It’s okay to do a slow crawl toward your goal, just tell people you had a wild weekend.

Aries: Success takes ability, luck and lots of fertilizer. You have two components ready to go, now you just need to find a skill besides talking bullcrap, unless you want to go into politics.

Taurus: You’re slow to act, so when you start to make a move on Wednesday, give a warning yelp. That way, the pigeons roosting on you won’t be quite as startled.

Gemini: Don’t pay any attention if someone says a current situation serves you right. You should only be offended if it serves you wrong, because that salad fork is crucial.

Cancer: On Thursday, no one knows best so ignore the person claiming to be an expert. Of course, watching their butt cheeks flap as they talk out of them can at least give you a giggle.

Leo:  The answer you need on Sunday is either tequila, Twitter or high colonics, but not all three unless you plan on breaking the Internet. Leave some things to the imagination.

Virgo: You have an irresistible opportunity this week. Don’t wait for it to knock, just throw open the door when you see it coming up the steps. It will be worth it.

Libra: You’re so full of creative energy, it sloshes around on the carpet and furniture. No need to rent a steam cleaner, just add some more color and call it art. No painting the dog, though.

Scorpio: If life is like a box of chocolates, then your center is one of those weird banana creams that no one likes. Build up your caramel muscles before someone sticks a thumb in you and puts you back in the box.

Sagittarius: Everyone needs some guidance now and again, but the helper monkey might be a bit much. On the plus side, he does throw poo at people you don’t like. This could be the longest relationship you ever have.

Capricorn: You don’t need any help finding trouble. In fact, you’re the Google Maps of poor decisions and shady opportunities. Recalculate your path before you end up in a Lifetime movie.

Aquarius: Pushing yourself too much? Your hamster is still on his wheel, but he’s wheezing hard. Lighten up a little and let him tiptoe through the tulips on a sunny day. You’ll both be happier.

Pisces: You don’t crave the spotlight, but you wouldn’t mind warming your toes along the edge. Stick those little piggies out there on Friday, and show off that new pedicure.

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