Aries: You won’t land the goose and its golden egg, but keep on the lookout for the chicken offering free wifi and Starbucks gift cards. That’s a much handier bird to have around.
Taurus: Congratulations! You’ve just taken a step toward progress. Now if you can break your other foot free from the cement, you’ll be staggering to that goal in no time.
Gemini: Don’t just tie a knot when you get to the end of your rope, grab an old tire and make a swing out of it. Hard to stay stressed and depressed when you’re playing like a six-year-old again.
Cancer: The smallest acorn can grow into the tallest tree, or it can just end up as lunch for a ravenous squirrel. Try to land your nuts on fertile ground unless you want tooth marks in them.
Leo: The world spins at dizzying speeds every day, so things are still going fast even when you think they’re too slow. It’s all a matter of perspective. Even when your ass is glued to the couch, you’re still whizzing along, so relax.
Virgo: Quiet contemplation would do you good, but only if you think about your own deeds instead of how someone else screwed your day. Make peace with that, and then you can rant about your co-workers.
Libra: If there were a giant letter on your chest, it would be an X. You don’t do enough to be a superhero, but you do make an excellent landmark. Kudos to you for marking the spot.
Scorpio: You’re vibrating with energy and ready to tackle the world. Looks like you mixed up your bath beads with espresso beans again. Take advantage of the whirlwind before you crash into caffeine withdrawal.
Sagittarius: Ignorance isn’t bliss; it’s more like having a good hair day all the time. If you want bliss, try forgetfulness for a few days or at least until your sweetie comes home and sees the mess.
Capricorn: The best course of action usually has a killer sand trap, so plan out your path carefully. You want success, not a gator biting your butt while you’re hip-deep in a water hazard.
Aquarius: Yes, there’s a lot riding on your decision, but the saddle is not completely buckled on yet. If you need out, say so now, before you’re led to the starting gate. Only you know if you’re a burro in the midst of racehorses.
Pisces: Your thought process is like a drunken bee in a botanical garden, but you need to get those buzzers in line. Your brain has been pollinated, now it’s time for those ideas to bear fruit.