You are currently browsing the monthly archive for July 2014.

Aries: Forget the things that go bump in the night, you should be more concerned with what’s stumbling around your garage in the morning. Could be a neighbor or a bear; either way, it’s a hairy situation.

Taurus: Finders may be keepers, but you won’t cry if you lose something out of your pocket on Wednesday because the Universe has a “no questions asked” replacement policy. You’ll come out richer than you went in.

Gemini: Keep your lips zipped on Monday. Some things should stay between a man, a duck, a Volkswagen and a basket of kumquats. You’ll only have to worry if the kumquats get chatty.

Cancer:  The world is your oyster: wet and slimy with a noticeable lack of pearls. If that opportunity has been out in the sun for a while, keep moving unless you love the taste of Pepto-Bismol.

Leo: The only way you’ll have all the answers is if you’re cheating at Trivial Pursuit again. Step away from the box and take things as they come; sometimes a better path happens without your prodding.

Virgo: Life doesn’t happen in the big events, it happens during all those little moments when you’re channel-surfing and there’s nothing to watch. Let go of the remote and listen to your loved ones. It will make you appreciate cable TV even more.

Libra: You don’t have to dig deep to find your self-worth, just clear out a few of those empty corn chip bags from the corners of your soul.  Dust it off and run it through the dishwasher a few times, and your esteem will be good as new.

Scorpio: Don’t feel bad over this latest screw-up. If you knew better by now, what would your friends talk about at parties? At least you’re good as a conversation starter.

Sagittarius: Every dog has his day, but your inner Great Dane could easily claim a week or two. Sniff out opportunities; just avoid humping karma’s leg.

Capricorn: You’ve concocted the perfect plan to succeed, but sneaking those ideas past the boss could be difficult. Bribery with gourmet coffee and compliments is great, but the foot massages may be going too far.

Aquarius: Just when you learn to level up, someone change the game. You could start from scratch, but it’s more likely you’ll just seek out the programmer and give him extreme wedgies until he hands over the cheat codes.

Pisces: Your mind has been adrift for too long, so don’t complain when a dolphin keeps nudging you toward shore.  Head for land and quit being a wet blanket on the undersea party.

Aries:  You won’t land the goose and its golden egg, but keep on the lookout for the chicken offering free wifi and Starbucks gift cards. That’s a much handier bird to have around.

Taurus: Congratulations! You’ve just taken a step toward progress. Now if you can break your other foot free from the cement, you’ll be staggering to that goal in no time.

Gemini: Don’t just tie a knot when you get to the end of your rope, grab an old tire and make a swing out of it. Hard to stay stressed and depressed when you’re playing like a six-year-old again.

Cancer: The smallest acorn can grow into the tallest tree, or it can just end up as lunch for a ravenous squirrel. Try to land your nuts on fertile ground unless you want tooth marks in them.

Leo: The world spins at dizzying speeds every day, so things are still going fast even when you think they’re too slow. It’s all a matter of perspective. Even when your ass is glued to the couch, you’re still whizzing along, so relax.

Virgo: Quiet contemplation would do you good, but only if you think about your own deeds instead of how someone else screwed your day. Make peace with that, and then you can rant about your co-workers.

Libra: If there were a giant letter on your chest, it would be an X. You don’t do enough to be a superhero, but you do make an excellent landmark. Kudos to you for marking the spot.

Scorpio: You’re vibrating with energy and ready to tackle the world. Looks like you mixed up your bath beads with espresso beans again. Take advantage of the whirlwind before you crash into caffeine withdrawal.

Sagittarius: Ignorance isn’t bliss; it’s more like having a good hair day all the time. If you want bliss, try forgetfulness for a few days or at least until your sweetie comes home and sees the mess.

Capricorn: The best course of action usually has a killer sand trap, so plan out your path carefully. You want success, not a gator biting your butt while you’re hip-deep in a water hazard.

Aquarius: Yes, there’s a lot riding on your decision, but the saddle is not completely buckled on yet. If you need out, say so now, before you’re led to the starting gate. Only you know if you’re a burro in the midst of racehorses.

Pisces: Your thought process is like a drunken bee in a botanical garden, but you need to get those buzzers in line. Your brain has been pollinated, now it’s time for those ideas to bear fruit.

Aries: Opportunity won’t knock for you, but it will pull into the driveway and honk the horn. Be ready to jump at a moment’s notice, because it wants to beat the traffic and make good time.

Taurus: Wise men say you can discover the whole world in a grain of sand, but you’ll have to work up to that. Find your butt with both hands first, and you can dig some sand out of your swim trunks to study.

Gemini: What you’re going through isn’t easy, so feel free to pull the emergency stop when needed. The world can go on without you on occasion, and it’s fun to watch people faceplant against the glass.

Cancer: To thine own self be true, but feel free to fib it up with your co-workers. Corporate picnics are far more exciting if half the office thinks you’re a secret agent working undercover.

Leo: If progress goes too fast, it usually clips a few pedestrians on the sidewalk. Be patient, because slower speeds mean fewer dash-cam lawsuits.

Virgo: True, the heart wants what it wants, but sometimes it has to be slapped on the hands and told “no.” You’re heading toward a relationship like a toddler with his finger pointed toward a light socket.

Libra: Quality floats to the top, but so do dead fish. Make sure you know the difference before you skim that net across the surface, or something foul may stink up your boat.

Scorpio: Some days you feel like a kite caught in a tree. Sure, the world is holding you back, but that’s just so you don’t float off and get sucked up into a jet engine. Chill out and enjoy the view.

Sagittarius: Love may be the answer, but only if you ask the right questions, like “Why are you drinking so much tequila?” and “Where are your pants?” Sometimes ignorance is bliss.

Capricorn: You have a chance at happiness, as long as you don’t pass Go and collect $200. Stay where you are, otherwise you’ll have to spend that extra cash shopping on Boardwalk to make your other half happy.

Aquarius: Sometimes life isn’t about who wins or loses, it’s about who’s smart enough to go under the stands and search for loose change. Be prepared to fill up those pockets with loot.

Pisces: It’s a vast universe, so how do you keep receiving the same old, raggedy luck? Send it back and ask for karmic customer service. You deserve better.

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