Aries: You have the chance to make one of your dreams come true. Choose wisely, because any roles previously played by Angelina Jolie will now be played by Honey Boo Boo’s mother.

Taurus: A little knowledge is a dangerous thing, but a lot of knowledge just makes you scream at the TV. Try to hit the middle ground; you’ll be a formidable Scrabble player but you won’t need as much medication.

Gemini: Whoever said in beauty there is truth never really got an up-close look. Your new flame might have a great personality, but there’s a reason you can only talk to them with beer goggles on. Do what you gotta do, because they hold the key to your success on Friday.

Cancer: Have you lost your mojo? Even your stalker is feeling ‘meh’ about you these days. You can try a new cologne, or you can take advantage of the fact that no one’s watching your every move and break out those Mork suspenders and Hammer pants.

Leo: If you forget history, you may not be doomed to repeat it, but you could end up in a special summer class. Take a study break before the universe whips out those final exams.

Virgo: If all the world’s a stage, why are you still out front selling popcorn? March down that aisle, hop in the spotlight and show ‘em what you’ve got. You’ll at least make the evening news when the cops drag you away.

Libra: The world will be yours between 11:45 and 11:50 this Thursday. If you break anything, it will come out of your karma.

Scorpio: Watch what you say this week; one nasty phrase will take you from a sweet roll in the hay to rolling in crap with all the other dogs.

Sagittarius: Now that you’ve solved your major dilemma, you’re finding out inner peace isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Who wants to be happy and content all the time? Ick. Go bungee-jumping with three of your rudest friends; first one to bleed or vomit buys the beer.

Capricorn: You knew this day would come. The calendar gave you a clue, lining them all up one after the other. Try to do something with it besides doodling stick figures with giant body parts within the margins.

Aquarius: Quit sitting indoors waiting for that cellulite to dissolve in between the couch cushions. Life is short! Throw on that orthopedic swimsuit and go get some sand in embarrassing places.

Pisces: Want to clone yourself so you’ll get more done? Be realistic. Five more of you just means more procrastinating, whining and cleaning up after yourself. One doesn’t sound like such a lonely number any more, does it?