Aries: Forget the bush, a bird in the hand isn’t worth the vat of Purell you’ll need afterward. Quit picking up dirty birds before you start scratching in odd places.
Taurus: You know what you need, you’re just not up for a trip into the dragon’s lair to get it. Be brave and take some cheese dip. Dragons love cheese dip.
Gemini: Opportunity doesn’t always come on a silver platter; sometimes it’s squished down in a fast food bag along with the two rogue tater tots and a leaky ketchup packet. Stick your hand in and see what happens.
Cancer: Your mouth is at full speed, but your brain is still stuck at the stoplight a few blocks back. Next time, have all your body parts carpool and you’ll stay out of trouble. For now, just smile and pay the fine.
Leo: You don’t want everything perfect, you just want it your way. Stomp all you want, it doesn’t change the spin of the Earth. Unless, of course, you get China to help.
Virgo: There’s laughter in your voice, but it’s not a pleasant giggle, it’s more like a crazed “Bwahahaha!” Take a few days off to decompress, before you start picking fights with superheroes whenever the mail is late.
Libra: When life gives you lemons, you can make lemonade or you can stick those lemons in the freezer, then take them to the beach and throw them at jet ski riders who zoom too close to the shore. Either way, satisfaction.
Scorpio: Expect a little rain to fall in your life, but when the frogs, locusts and Justin Bieber rains down on your parade, it’s time to poke the universe with a stick. Make it a really long stick, so you can speak your mind and run.
Sagittarius: The trees are singing, the birds are blooming, and everything is right with the world. Medication refill day is the best, isn’t it? Enjoy your rosy outlook for a while.
Capricorn: You’re so tense, someone could set a charcoal briquette in your chair and it would be a diamond by the end of the day. You need to relax, but not until everyone in the office chips in for a bag of charcoal to supplement their retirement funds.
Aquarius: Some moths are drawn to flame, but you flutter straight up to the glowing, pulsing UFO. Wear extra heavy underwear so you won’t get probed and you’ll have a wild story to tell.
Pisces: You take one step forward, two steps back. Chin up, that’s not failure, that’s moonwalking. Get yourself some shiny clothes and a glove, and do it in style.