Aries: You have a rare opportunity to redeem yourself on Monday. Make sure your expiration date hasn’t passed, and ask the clerk if she honors double coupons. Sometimes it’s easier to value yourself when you know what you’re worth to a barcode scanner.

Taurus: You’re feeling more lost than a sensitivity coach in a Dirty Harry movie. Don’t worry, when it comes to wisdom, you’re packing plenty of heat. Blow people away with your impressive knowledge of Spongebob Squarepants trivia. That’ll leave ‘em in the dust.

Gemini: When someone tells you to take a long leap off a short pier, just smile and jump. They don’t need to know you have an inflatable raft in your pants.

Cancer: You may not be the sharpest knife in the drawer, but if anyone needs a slightly irregular spork you are ready. Which is handy, because everyone already knows you’re a tool.

Leo: You’re getting so wrapped up in yourself, it’ll take a dude with a forklift and a tub of lard to get you out. Get out of the plastic wrap before you fart and gas yourself unconscious.

Virgo: If ‘sorry’ is the hardest word, the easiest one is ‘bacon.’ Tuck a couple of strips behind your ear and watch the world fall at your feet this week.

Libra: Bad luck? If you were in the Garden of Eden, you’d cover your naughty bits with poison ivy. Let someone else make the decisions for you on Thursday, unless you have plenty of ointment stocked up.

Scorpio: When your alphabet soup starts insulting you, it’s time to re-evaluate your personality. Be like Mr. Potato Head and stick on a few accessories like kindness, attentiveness and a mustache.

Sagittarius: Don’t go gentle into the good night: it’s dark and something is likely to bite you on the toe. Wear some boots and take a flashlight. Better yet, stay inside where there aren’t any mosquitoes, snakes or in-laws at all.

Capricorn: If the world is your oyster, it’s probably damp, slimy and gags you when it slides down your throat. Try to make the world into your cake, that’s much more fun to have around.

Aquarius: A near-miss isn’t always bad, it just means you have to speak louder so she can hear you. Catch her attention and jog up to introduce yourself. She could be Lady Luck in disguise.

Pisces:  A pretty girl is like a melody, but you’re a Wagnerian opera at double speed: bewildering, confusing and a little frightening in odd places. You may not be catchy, but you definitely make an impact, especially in surround sound.

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