You are currently browsing the monthly archive for June 2014.

Aries: Beauty is only skin-deep, but that’s fine for you since you swim in the shallow end of the personality pool anyway. Enjoy those compliments on Twitter, they will be the most meaningful conversations you have this week.

Taurus: You don’t expect life to be easy, but you would appreciate some hand rails along the muddy parts. Keep walking and you’ll make it through, just don’t try to take your Rascal scooter four-wheeling in the muck.

Gemini: Don’t worry about everything coming up roses; those suckers hurt and they’re such divas. Wish for everything to come up chamomile, coffee beans or even tomato plants. At least that would be useful.

Cancer: Some days you toss a coin into the wishing well, other days a weird Japanese ghost with long hair crawls out and chases you around. Life’s funny like that.

Leo: The universe has no problem kicking you when you’re down. If you grab its ankle, twist and sweep the other leg, it will think twice about doing it again. Sometimes you must make karma tap out before things go your way.

Virgo: You’ve lost your mojo, but retracing your steps around the house should help you find it again. Be prepared to wipe dog drool off it, though.

Libra: For every action there is a reaction, which means if you do something stupid on Tuesday, you’ll be knocked around like a pinball until the stupidity stops. Think twice before putting that so-called brilliant plan into action.

Scorpio: Everyone has a story, but your monologue is taking on Scheherazade-like proportions. Talk less, observe more and you’ll be ahead of the pack on Friday.

Sagittarius: The optimist in you says “the sky’s the limit,” but the realist in you knows that gravity works. Before you blast off, make sure you have enough energy to see your mission through to a safe landing.

Capricorn: If life hands you lemons, it’s probably just been to the farmer’s market. Take a bag and tag along next time, because life definitely knows how to get a good deal.

Aquarius: An idea has dropped into your mind like an errant seed from a distracted bird. Keep up your daily affirmations, because that’s enough to fertilize anything, and wait for something weird to bloom.

Pisces: Just when you get your sails up, a sudden storm blows you off course. Do what you must to survive, just don’t drink your own pee. This isn’t “Waterworld,” you’ll be back on track in no time.

Aries: The only time you should jump the gun is when someone’s shooting Nerf darts. Otherwise, wait for the wedding like everyone else.

Taurus: Take heart, because the universe is smiling on you. It’s a good smile, too, not a creepy one like your weird uncle always has during Thanksgiving dinner. Bet you’ll never look under that table again.

Gemini: With great power comes great responsibility. Extension cord and surge protector sold separately, so be prepared to whip out some cash.

Cancer: On Thursday you can step up and be counted, or stay in the back and miss out on refreshments. Choose carefully, because there will be cake.

Leo: You’re not more accomplished when you burn the candle at both ends. You’re just slumped over with wax stuck to your pants. Avoid the awkward stares at the cleaner’s and get some rest.

Virgo: You no longer have to steal moments of happiness this week, because karma hands over her charge card. Don’t go too wild, though, even she has a credit limit.

Libra: You can look within for answers, but it’s really squishy in there and your spleen doesn’t have much to say. Go to the library; if they don’t know, they can at least direct you to a picture book of cats so you’ll be distracted.

Scorpio: Positive thinking? No. The real law of attraction means the craziest person will be drawn to you, no matter where you go. Friday is no exception.

Sagittarius: You’ll never know the beauty of a well-thought out plan, but you do appreciate the hastily applied lipstick of procrastination. Check those smudges before you give that big presentation to the boss.

Capricorn: You can’t please all the people all the time, but you can confuse most of them whenever you choose, and that is far more fun. Be thankful the ferret is a good sport and the tutu is washable.

Aquarius: That moment in the sun is yours for the taking, but why risk a sunburn when you can sit in the shade with a margarita and a good book? You’ll enjoy yourself far more without all the attention.

Pisces: If you’re tired of waiting for your ship to come in, grab a hammer and build a raft. It won’t be a luxury liner, but at least you’ll get off the island. With misfit toys, airplane crash victims and S.S. Minnow castaways, that place is getting crowded.

Aries: You have the chance to make one of your dreams come true. Choose wisely, because any roles previously played by Angelina Jolie will now be played by Honey Boo Boo’s mother.

Taurus: A little knowledge is a dangerous thing, but a lot of knowledge just makes you scream at the TV. Try to hit the middle ground; you’ll be a formidable Scrabble player but you won’t need as much medication.

Gemini: Whoever said in beauty there is truth never really got an up-close look. Your new flame might have a great personality, but there’s a reason you can only talk to them with beer goggles on. Do what you gotta do, because they hold the key to your success on Friday.

Cancer: Have you lost your mojo? Even your stalker is feeling ‘meh’ about you these days. You can try a new cologne, or you can take advantage of the fact that no one’s watching your every move and break out those Mork suspenders and Hammer pants.

Leo: If you forget history, you may not be doomed to repeat it, but you could end up in a special summer class. Take a study break before the universe whips out those final exams.

Virgo: If all the world’s a stage, why are you still out front selling popcorn? March down that aisle, hop in the spotlight and show ‘em what you’ve got. You’ll at least make the evening news when the cops drag you away.

Libra: The world will be yours between 11:45 and 11:50 this Thursday. If you break anything, it will come out of your karma.

Scorpio: Watch what you say this week; one nasty phrase will take you from a sweet roll in the hay to rolling in crap with all the other dogs.

Sagittarius: Now that you’ve solved your major dilemma, you’re finding out inner peace isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Who wants to be happy and content all the time? Ick. Go bungee-jumping with three of your rudest friends; first one to bleed or vomit buys the beer.

Capricorn: You knew this day would come. The calendar gave you a clue, lining them all up one after the other. Try to do something with it besides doodling stick figures with giant body parts within the margins.

Aquarius: Quit sitting indoors waiting for that cellulite to dissolve in between the couch cushions. Life is short! Throw on that orthopedic swimsuit and go get some sand in embarrassing places.

Pisces: Want to clone yourself so you’ll get more done? Be realistic. Five more of you just means more procrastinating, whining and cleaning up after yourself. One doesn’t sound like such a lonely number any more, does it?

Aries: Forget the bush, a bird in the hand isn’t worth the vat of Purell you’ll need afterward. Quit picking up dirty birds before you start scratching in odd places.

Taurus: You know what you need, you’re just not up for a trip into the dragon’s lair to get it. Be brave and take some cheese dip. Dragons love cheese dip.

Gemini: Opportunity doesn’t always come on a silver platter; sometimes it’s squished down in a fast food bag along with the two rogue tater tots and a leaky ketchup packet. Stick your hand in and see what happens.

Cancer: Your mouth is at full speed, but your brain is still stuck at the stoplight a few blocks back. Next time, have all your body parts carpool and you’ll stay out of trouble. For now, just smile and pay the fine.

Leo: You don’t want everything perfect, you just want it your way. Stomp all you want, it doesn’t change the spin of the Earth. Unless, of course, you get China to help.

Virgo: There’s laughter in your voice, but it’s not a pleasant giggle, it’s more like a crazed “Bwahahaha!” Take a few days off to decompress, before you start picking fights with superheroes whenever the mail is late.

Libra: When life gives you lemons, you can make lemonade or you can stick those lemons in the freezer, then take them to the beach and throw them at jet ski riders who zoom too close to the shore. Either way, satisfaction.

Scorpio: Expect a little rain to fall in your life, but when the frogs, locusts and Justin Bieber rains down on your parade, it’s time to poke the universe with a stick. Make it a really long stick, so you can speak your mind and run.

Sagittarius: The trees are singing, the birds are blooming, and everything is right with the world. Medication refill day is the best, isn’t it? Enjoy your rosy outlook for a while.

Capricorn: You’re so tense, someone could set a charcoal briquette in your chair and it would be a diamond by the end of the day. You need to relax, but not until everyone in the office chips in for a bag of charcoal to supplement their retirement funds.

Aquarius: Some moths are drawn to flame, but you flutter straight up to the glowing, pulsing UFO. Wear extra heavy underwear so you won’t get probed and you’ll have a wild story to tell.

Pisces: You take one step forward, two steps back. Chin up, that’s not failure, that’s moonwalking. Get yourself some shiny clothes and a glove, and do it in style.

Aries: You have a rare opportunity to redeem yourself on Monday. Make sure your expiration date hasn’t passed, and ask the clerk if she honors double coupons. Sometimes it’s easier to value yourself when you know what you’re worth to a barcode scanner.

Taurus: You’re feeling more lost than a sensitivity coach in a Dirty Harry movie. Don’t worry, when it comes to wisdom, you’re packing plenty of heat. Blow people away with your impressive knowledge of Spongebob Squarepants trivia. That’ll leave ‘em in the dust.

Gemini: When someone tells you to take a long leap off a short pier, just smile and jump. They don’t need to know you have an inflatable raft in your pants.

Cancer: You may not be the sharpest knife in the drawer, but if anyone needs a slightly irregular spork you are ready. Which is handy, because everyone already knows you’re a tool.

Leo: You’re getting so wrapped up in yourself, it’ll take a dude with a forklift and a tub of lard to get you out. Get out of the plastic wrap before you fart and gas yourself unconscious.

Virgo: If ‘sorry’ is the hardest word, the easiest one is ‘bacon.’ Tuck a couple of strips behind your ear and watch the world fall at your feet this week.

Libra: Bad luck? If you were in the Garden of Eden, you’d cover your naughty bits with poison ivy. Let someone else make the decisions for you on Thursday, unless you have plenty of ointment stocked up.

Scorpio: When your alphabet soup starts insulting you, it’s time to re-evaluate your personality. Be like Mr. Potato Head and stick on a few accessories like kindness, attentiveness and a mustache.

Sagittarius: Don’t go gentle into the good night: it’s dark and something is likely to bite you on the toe. Wear some boots and take a flashlight. Better yet, stay inside where there aren’t any mosquitoes, snakes or in-laws at all.

Capricorn: If the world is your oyster, it’s probably damp, slimy and gags you when it slides down your throat. Try to make the world into your cake, that’s much more fun to have around.

Aquarius: A near-miss isn’t always bad, it just means you have to speak louder so she can hear you. Catch her attention and jog up to introduce yourself. She could be Lady Luck in disguise.

Pisces:  A pretty girl is like a melody, but you’re a Wagnerian opera at double speed: bewildering, confusing and a little frightening in odd places. You may not be catchy, but you definitely make an impact, especially in surround sound.

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