Aries: Wild horses may not get the truth from you, but a wild-eyed spouse with a fly swatter can. Erase your browser history and quit hanging out with loose-minded wombats on Chat Roulette unless you want to lose half your stuff.

Taurus: You’re not the fastest person; a distracted turtle could beat you in land speed records. Something sets a fire underneath you on Wednesday, though, and makes you move. Don’t worry, you’ll get used to the jet flames coming out of your butt.

Gemini: Most days come up roses for you, but lately it’s been all weeds and thorns. Your mojo will bloom out again this week, but you’ll have a few pollen-induced wheeze attacks first.

Cancer: Keep an eye on the guy in the corner. Yeah, over there. He looks shifty, unless he’s related to you, and then he’s definitely shifty. Hide the silverware and your one good pen.

Leo: When someone tries to ruin your scene, kick ‘em out of your snowglobe. Sometimes you don’t need a shake-up to enjoy the view.

Virgo: No one knows the troubles you’ve seen, and they won’t, either, unless you tell them loudly and often. Develop a suitable lunchtime soliloquy and build up to a one-person show for the mid-afternoon office break.

Libra: Feeling lost? Quit seeking out gurus. Frankly, answers are overrated, but a few mind-bending questions can get your mind buzzing again. If you can’t think of any, ask a four-year-old.

Scorpio: Your sweetie has left you hanging so often, you carry a fold-away stepstool in your back pocket. Swing away if you want, but eventually you’ll need someone a bit more grounded.

Sagittarius: You may think you’re a full orchestra of fun, but actually you’re just a trained ferret with a kazoo. Ironically, that should be even more fun, so take a look at what you’re doing wrong. Also think about bagpipes.

Capricorn: You’ve been working so hard, you forgot how to play. Apologize to your family for the CandyLand meltdown and take them out to an amusement park. Better for them to be emotionally scarred by a giant-headed mascot than you, anyway.

Aquarius: When one door slams shut, it’s a loss of an opportunity. If they all slam shut, you left the air conditioning on all night again. Either way, it’s not rocket science, just turn the knob and get moving again.

Pisces: For some, life is a race. For you, it’s an attempt to buy new pants in the dark. Eventually you’ll find the right fit, but only if you’re lucky. Carry a flashlight on Friday to boost your odds.