Aries: You have a spring in your step. Maybe you shouldn’t be smuggling out merchandise from your job at the Slinky factory. If you try to run, there will be more bounce to your ounces down the stairs.

Taurus: A sweet gesture on Friday will warm the cockles of your heart. Or it could just be indigestion. Avoid the meatball sub or you won’t know whether to be flattered or in need of Tums.

Gemini: Every dog has his day, but the smart pups know how to score at night, too. Sniff out some opportunities so you can howl at the moon this weekend.

Cancer: Good intentions may cobble the road to Hades, but bad intentions and few brain cells will land you on the news or reality TV. Enjoy your fame, it’s only a matter of time before you’re living in your truck with a disturbed ferret.

Leo: If you have a path to success, there’s no need to map out the entire road system of Middle-earth. Follow where your feet take you, and don’t worry about the cool things you’re missing on those other trails.

Virgo: Reach out to someone this week. If they slap your hand away, perform the most complicated jive handshake ever on them and walk away knowing you are the epitome of awkward yet cool. Which is still awkward.

Libra: You have a major opportunity coming up at work, so take time and prepare. Flying by the seat of your pants will only give you a wedgie and there’s no decent in-flight movie except the recurring nightmares of your failures.

Scorpio: If your dreams are the key, your wild paranoia is the triple-deadbolted lock trapping your psyche. You could pick it like a master safecracker, or just blast the sucker with a few Bloody Marys and release the Kraken of your soul.

Sagittarius: Success may taste sweet, but it can also rot your teeth and give you a twitch if you’re not made to handle it. Be content with the occasional treat of good fortune.

Capricorn: You can try to be outrageous, but you can’t top a man with nothing to lose but his mind and his underwear. Know when you’ve been beaten in the Crazy Olympics, and tip your hat so you don’t have to see his junk.

Aquarius: Just your luck; you’ve broken through the barriers and discovered the sky’s the limit, but you’ve also learned you have a fear of wide open spaces. Keep climbing toward the stars, just don’t look down, up or sideways while doing it.

Pisces: Happiness isn’t about never getting hurt, it’s yanking off the Band-Aid and realizing you healed up just fine. Also, if you have a cool scar, you can score free beer on a night out.

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