You are currently browsing the monthly archive for May 2014.

Aries: Most people grab the tiger by the tail, but not you. While you have him by the huevos, make it good, because you’ll need to run very fast when you finally let go.

Taurus: Friday is a dream come true. Too bad the universe picked the really weird dream with the swizzle sticks and the all-Bigfoot volleyball team. After you drink yourself to sleep, you’ll never look at ice cubes or sunblock lotion the same again.

Gemini: Life is filled with peaks and valleys but somehow you’ve found a deep, dark hole. Start climbing now, and in a few days the universe will drop a jetpack down to you. Karma is just waiting to see if you make an effort so it can give you a passing grade in gym class.

Cancer: When you face an ugly truth, don’t turn away. Give it a makeover and bring out its inner beauty, maybe slap some sequins on it, too. The truth is always easier on the eyes when it’s shiny.

Leo: It’s laudable that you want to help someone, but don’t grab them and fling them onto the shore like a ball of wet algae. Swim with them until they can touch ground again. But if a really big fish brushes against your leg, hey, they’re on their own.

Virgo: Spend some time this weekend by yourself, so you can probe your psyche with a sharp stick. It’s best to know your weaknesses and make them defend themselves. On Monday, your boss will have an even bigger stick.

Libra: You think you’re in a good groove, but it’s really just a deep scratch across an awesome DVD. Do a little buffing and polishing on your life so you can finally skip ahead to the next scene.

Scorpio: Keep an eye out for horseshoes and four-leaf clovers on Thursday, but leave the rabbits’ feet alone. You need an extra bit of luck but you don’t want to make the bunnies angry. You wouldn’t like them when they’re angry.

Sagittarius: If you think part of your life is missing, put on your glasses before you make a big deal out of it. Turns out everything was there the whole time, you just needed a little focus.

Capricorn: Big changes are on the horizon, but you’ll need to figure out if they’re galloping toward you or away from you. Feel free to chase them if you want, but don’t get underfoot.

Aquarius: You have a lot of eyes and thick skin, which makes you a perfect couch potato. Keep those peepers peeled and you’ll spot a perfect opportunity to become a smokin’ hot spud.

Pisces: You’re feeling more distracted than Gary Busey in a room filled with squirrels. Bribe a bushytail to show you the door so you can clear your head.


Aries: Wild horses may not get the truth from you, but a wild-eyed spouse with a fly swatter can. Erase your browser history and quit hanging out with loose-minded wombats on Chat Roulette unless you want to lose half your stuff.

Taurus: You’re not the fastest person; a distracted turtle could beat you in land speed records. Something sets a fire underneath you on Wednesday, though, and makes you move. Don’t worry, you’ll get used to the jet flames coming out of your butt.

Gemini: Most days come up roses for you, but lately it’s been all weeds and thorns. Your mojo will bloom out again this week, but you’ll have a few pollen-induced wheeze attacks first.

Cancer: Keep an eye on the guy in the corner. Yeah, over there. He looks shifty, unless he’s related to you, and then he’s definitely shifty. Hide the silverware and your one good pen.

Leo: When someone tries to ruin your scene, kick ‘em out of your snowglobe. Sometimes you don’t need a shake-up to enjoy the view.

Virgo: No one knows the troubles you’ve seen, and they won’t, either, unless you tell them loudly and often. Develop a suitable lunchtime soliloquy and build up to a one-person show for the mid-afternoon office break.

Libra: Feeling lost? Quit seeking out gurus. Frankly, answers are overrated, but a few mind-bending questions can get your mind buzzing again. If you can’t think of any, ask a four-year-old.

Scorpio: Your sweetie has left you hanging so often, you carry a fold-away stepstool in your back pocket. Swing away if you want, but eventually you’ll need someone a bit more grounded.

Sagittarius: You may think you’re a full orchestra of fun, but actually you’re just a trained ferret with a kazoo. Ironically, that should be even more fun, so take a look at what you’re doing wrong. Also think about bagpipes.

Capricorn: You’ve been working so hard, you forgot how to play. Apologize to your family for the CandyLand meltdown and take them out to an amusement park. Better for them to be emotionally scarred by a giant-headed mascot than you, anyway.

Aquarius: When one door slams shut, it’s a loss of an opportunity. If they all slam shut, you left the air conditioning on all night again. Either way, it’s not rocket science, just turn the knob and get moving again.

Pisces: For some, life is a race. For you, it’s an attempt to buy new pants in the dark. Eventually you’ll find the right fit, but only if you’re lucky. Carry a flashlight on Friday to boost your odds.

Aries: You have a spring in your step. Maybe you shouldn’t be smuggling out merchandise from your job at the Slinky factory. If you try to run, there will be more bounce to your ounces down the stairs.

Taurus: A sweet gesture on Friday will warm the cockles of your heart. Or it could just be indigestion. Avoid the meatball sub or you won’t know whether to be flattered or in need of Tums.

Gemini: Every dog has his day, but the smart pups know how to score at night, too. Sniff out some opportunities so you can howl at the moon this weekend.

Cancer: Good intentions may cobble the road to Hades, but bad intentions and few brain cells will land you on the news or reality TV. Enjoy your fame, it’s only a matter of time before you’re living in your truck with a disturbed ferret.

Leo: If you have a path to success, there’s no need to map out the entire road system of Middle-earth. Follow where your feet take you, and don’t worry about the cool things you’re missing on those other trails.

Virgo: Reach out to someone this week. If they slap your hand away, perform the most complicated jive handshake ever on them and walk away knowing you are the epitome of awkward yet cool. Which is still awkward.

Libra: You have a major opportunity coming up at work, so take time and prepare. Flying by the seat of your pants will only give you a wedgie and there’s no decent in-flight movie except the recurring nightmares of your failures.

Scorpio: If your dreams are the key, your wild paranoia is the triple-deadbolted lock trapping your psyche. You could pick it like a master safecracker, or just blast the sucker with a few Bloody Marys and release the Kraken of your soul.

Sagittarius: Success may taste sweet, but it can also rot your teeth and give you a twitch if you’re not made to handle it. Be content with the occasional treat of good fortune.

Capricorn: You can try to be outrageous, but you can’t top a man with nothing to lose but his mind and his underwear. Know when you’ve been beaten in the Crazy Olympics, and tip your hat so you don’t have to see his junk.

Aquarius: Just your luck; you’ve broken through the barriers and discovered the sky’s the limit, but you’ve also learned you have a fear of wide open spaces. Keep climbing toward the stars, just don’t look down, up or sideways while doing it.

Pisces: Happiness isn’t about never getting hurt, it’s yanking off the Band-Aid and realizing you healed up just fine. Also, if you have a cool scar, you can score free beer on a night out.

Aries: You’re suspicious of good fortune without consequences. When the universe gives you a cookie this week, ask it to kick you in the shins, too, so you won’t be surprised later.

Taurus: Feel free to ignore the naysayers on Friday. You’re living in your own little world, but at least you have wi-fi and mail delivery there.

Gemini: Some people will be stunned to know you have a shell, let alone hide in it. Ignore them. Even social butterflies need a cocoon now and then, if only to host awesome house parties.

Cancer: Most people poke dragons with sharp sticks, but you have style. Go ahead, play Justin Bieber music at the dragon’s lair until he toasts you like a marshmallow at a Cub Scout campout. At least you’ll have a tan and a story.

Leo: You’ve been so busy lately, you haven’t had any spare time to think about how marvelous you truly are. Go ahead, take an evening for yourself with some candlelight, a bottle of wine and a mirror.

Virgo: On Tuesday, you’re like an Etch-A-Sketch shaken by a toddler. You know you’re capable of great art, but everything seems fuzzy and a little sticky at the moment.

Libra: Some are born to greatness, others have it thrust upon them. You just nicked it out of a recycling bin and dusted it off a bit. Go ahead, wear it; turns out greatness flatters those wide hips.

Scorpio: You can hand over your heart, wallet and self-respect, but nothing warms up your sweetie like being nice to their family. Go ahead, you can do it, even if it requires industrial-grade meds and a Buick-sized margarita.

Sagittarius: Sticks and stones may break your bones, but whips and chains can really chafe and leave marks. Use some padding if you’re into the rough stuff, otherwise your bank teller will give you a funny look.

Capricorn: It doesn’t take a genius to see where things are going in a situation. That’s good, because only you have noticed it so far. Feel free to step up and take some credit; none of your co-workers will be the wiser.

Aquarius: You may currently be as confused as a squirrel with a can of spray cheese, but all will be revealed when you finally grab the right nozzle.

Pisces: Not only do you get your groove back this week, but you’ve also found your mojo, swagger and style. Put them all in a safe place this time, somewhere the dog can’t reach. No one can use a chewed-up groove.

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