Aries: It’s easier to take a gander than endure a goose, but you should still keep your distance from fowl play on Thursday.  No golden eggs to see here, move along.

Taurus: Two wrongs don’t make a right, but 27 of them will get you a movie deal about your life. Hold out for Nicholas Cage to play you. Whether you’re male or female, it will be worth it.

Gemini: Your career is on hold, which wouldn’t be so bad if you had some smooth jazz on the line. Hang up and try a different number. No, those ‘hot chat’ 800 numbers don’t count.

Cancer: Success isn’t how you play the game, it’s where you hide all the good pieces. You may not prosper but you’ll have a few laughs while someone searches the couch cushions for the dice.

Leo: You’ll put someone’s mind at ease this week when they worry about how they look or sound. Silly underlings, they don’t know it’s all about you. Tell them as long as they make you look good, all is well.

Virgo: It’s perfectly acceptable to turn over a new leaf, but there’s no need to go around flipping trees out of the ground. Aim to be a pleasing breeze of change, not a tornado of overcompensation.

Libra: Your latest brainstorm could make you a millionaire and save the Post Office, if you can just figure out how to get the tequila to stay fresh on the back of a stamp. Figure that out and you’ll usher in a new age of licking the mail.

Scorpio: You’re more confusing than a Gary Busey movie dubbed in Japanese. Stop trying to figure yourself out and just enjoy the weirdness that is you.

Sagittarius: The wrong answers hit you on Wednesday, but at least they were driving a scooter instead of a cement truck. Use that limp to hitch a ride with a car full of the right questions, and you’ll finally get somewhere.

Capricorn: Forget chocolates; life is a pickle, because it usually makes you pucker and it’s best in small slices. If you’re lucky, you’ll score some sweet bread and butter pickles and not an old jar of fermented herring.

Aquarius: How you see yourself and how you really are is the difference between a dyed Mohawk and a flowing mullet. Forget being edgy and hip, just revel in the gloriousness of your party in the back.

Pisces: Relax. Your sucking vortex of despair is actually just a kiddie pool some toddler peed in. Step out, rinse off and leave the floating tide of drama for someone else.

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