Aries: Oooh, baby, you must be jelly because jam don’t shake like that. Actually, not even Jell-O shakes like that in an earthquake. Maybe you should get that checked out by a specialist or a jazz band.

Taurus: Your ship is about to come in, but you’ll need a bigger dock to hold it. Get yourself some extra wood, or you’ll be stuck with just a little dinghy.

Gemini: There’s nothing so perfect in your world that you can’t screw up by saying something stupid. On Wednesday, just use hand gestures and smoke signals to get your point across.

Cancer: It’s great that you want to reach for the stars, but what if you succeed? Those things are probably very hot, not to mention really, really far away. Take some gloves and granola bars before you go.

Leo: They say living well is the best revenge, but you know better. Making someone’s computer randomly beep for days on end is far more satisfying. Ahhh, the dark side feels good, doesn’t it?

Virgo: There’s nothing to be gained from your current funk, except for the 20 pounds you’ll put on from all those Girl Scout cookies. Drop the cookie and—no, drop it, drop it…there. Go outside and see what people who regularly wear pants are doing.

Libra: No one said life would be easy, but you thought at least someone would have given you a ribbon for participating by now. Sorry, but the awards only go to the smartest, fastest and the sneakiest. If you aren’t one of these, find one and latch on.

Scorpio: If you’re feeling less than gorgeous, think about the beauty within. Bet your liver is adorable, and your brain is centerfold-worthy. You are the bikini-clad car show model of neurologist conventions, you sexy thing.

Sagittarius: Success is a lot like the zombie apocalypse. You don’t have to be the best or the fastest to feel good, you just need to be a little faster than the guy behind you. Today, be grateful for the slow undead, both the zombies and your co-workers.

Capricorn: On Friday, you’ll learn a shocking secret, but will you be able to keep it? Tune in next week for the next episode of You: The Reality Show. Just kidding, you’ll blab that secret all over town before Monday.

Aquarius: Your toast lands butter side down most days this week. It’s crappy for you but your dog loves it. Keep looking on the bright side, and you won’t need your glasses as much.

Pisces: You’re so used to setbacks, you walk backward just to save time. Luckily, the fast train to good fortune grabs you on Thursday, otherwise you’d shuffle back to when dinosaurs roamed the earth.