You are currently browsing the monthly archive for April 2014.

Aries: It’s easier to take a gander than endure a goose, but you should still keep your distance from fowl play on Thursday.  No golden eggs to see here, move along.

Taurus: Two wrongs don’t make a right, but 27 of them will get you a movie deal about your life. Hold out for Nicholas Cage to play you. Whether you’re male or female, it will be worth it.

Gemini: Your career is on hold, which wouldn’t be so bad if you had some smooth jazz on the line. Hang up and try a different number. No, those ‘hot chat’ 800 numbers don’t count.

Cancer: Success isn’t how you play the game, it’s where you hide all the good pieces. You may not prosper but you’ll have a few laughs while someone searches the couch cushions for the dice.

Leo: You’ll put someone’s mind at ease this week when they worry about how they look or sound. Silly underlings, they don’t know it’s all about you. Tell them as long as they make you look good, all is well.

Virgo: It’s perfectly acceptable to turn over a new leaf, but there’s no need to go around flipping trees out of the ground. Aim to be a pleasing breeze of change, not a tornado of overcompensation.

Libra: Your latest brainstorm could make you a millionaire and save the Post Office, if you can just figure out how to get the tequila to stay fresh on the back of a stamp. Figure that out and you’ll usher in a new age of licking the mail.

Scorpio: You’re more confusing than a Gary Busey movie dubbed in Japanese. Stop trying to figure yourself out and just enjoy the weirdness that is you.

Sagittarius: The wrong answers hit you on Wednesday, but at least they were driving a scooter instead of a cement truck. Use that limp to hitch a ride with a car full of the right questions, and you’ll finally get somewhere.

Capricorn: Forget chocolates; life is a pickle, because it usually makes you pucker and it’s best in small slices. If you’re lucky, you’ll score some sweet bread and butter pickles and not an old jar of fermented herring.

Aquarius: How you see yourself and how you really are is the difference between a dyed Mohawk and a flowing mullet. Forget being edgy and hip, just revel in the gloriousness of your party in the back.

Pisces: Relax. Your sucking vortex of despair is actually just a kiddie pool some toddler peed in. Step out, rinse off and leave the floating tide of drama for someone else.

Aries: Oooh, baby, you must be jelly because jam don’t shake like that. Actually, not even Jell-O shakes like that in an earthquake. Maybe you should get that checked out by a specialist or a jazz band.

Taurus: Your ship is about to come in, but you’ll need a bigger dock to hold it. Get yourself some extra wood, or you’ll be stuck with just a little dinghy.

Gemini: There’s nothing so perfect in your world that you can’t screw up by saying something stupid. On Wednesday, just use hand gestures and smoke signals to get your point across.

Cancer: It’s great that you want to reach for the stars, but what if you succeed? Those things are probably very hot, not to mention really, really far away. Take some gloves and granola bars before you go.

Leo: They say living well is the best revenge, but you know better. Making someone’s computer randomly beep for days on end is far more satisfying. Ahhh, the dark side feels good, doesn’t it?

Virgo: There’s nothing to be gained from your current funk, except for the 20 pounds you’ll put on from all those Girl Scout cookies. Drop the cookie and—no, drop it, drop it…there. Go outside and see what people who regularly wear pants are doing.

Libra: No one said life would be easy, but you thought at least someone would have given you a ribbon for participating by now. Sorry, but the awards only go to the smartest, fastest and the sneakiest. If you aren’t one of these, find one and latch on.

Scorpio: If you’re feeling less than gorgeous, think about the beauty within. Bet your liver is adorable, and your brain is centerfold-worthy. You are the bikini-clad car show model of neurologist conventions, you sexy thing.

Sagittarius: Success is a lot like the zombie apocalypse. You don’t have to be the best or the fastest to feel good, you just need to be a little faster than the guy behind you. Today, be grateful for the slow undead, both the zombies and your co-workers.

Capricorn: On Friday, you’ll learn a shocking secret, but will you be able to keep it? Tune in next week for the next episode of You: The Reality Show. Just kidding, you’ll blab that secret all over town before Monday.

Aquarius: Your toast lands butter side down most days this week. It’s crappy for you but your dog loves it. Keep looking on the bright side, and you won’t need your glasses as much.

Pisces: You’re so used to setbacks, you walk backward just to save time. Luckily, the fast train to good fortune grabs you on Thursday, otherwise you’d shuffle back to when dinosaurs roamed the earth.

Aries:  You need some “me” time, but even you don’t want to be with you right now. Do something that requires no soul-searching or self-reflection, like politics or hosting a talk show. That will give  you some space from yourself.

Taurus: Every snowflake is different, but that doesn’t mean it’s beautiful.  So-called perfection is high maintenance, so spend some time with the weird and goofy-looking snowflakes. They’re more fun, and they don’t stare into the mirror as much.

Gemini: It’s fine being a social butterfly, but you just flew in from Albuquerque, and boy are your wings tired.  Take a break from being everyone’s friend and ground yourself in your own reality for a few days. Your wings could use the rest.

Cancer: The brightest stars are the ones who catch our attention, but only because they flame out in a superhot ball of gas. Pull back on the drama, and your light will last longer.

Leo: You always want to be the hare instead of the turtle in the race, but that doesn’t pay off. Slow your butt down and enjoy the pace, otherwise the turtle may have you kneecapped.

Virgo: Yes, it’s finally spring, but you don’t need to pull out that tube top and thong combo just yet. Your skin is so day-glow white, you could be used to guide blind people around instead of a cane. Take it back a notch, because not even the unsighted should be exposed to those butt cheeks.

Libra: Each day is a new adventure, which is far less pleasant than it sounds. Once you escape the screaming band of natives and the giant rolling ball, consider spending some time under your bed. Dust bunnies are much easier to conquer.

Scorpio: The universe will take a chance on you this Friday. Play your cards right and you could own Park Place. At the very least, you’ll collect $200 and pass Go.

Sagittarius: Life isn’t always a flaming bag of dog crap left on your porch. Tomorrow’s bag won’t be on fire, so take a peek inside before you stomp it out of habit. You could be pleasantly surprised and crap-free.

Capricorn: In every life some rain must fall, but who says it has to be water? You could end up with frogs, locusts or worms. No matter what comes down on your head, you’ll make a few bucks if you open up a bait stand.

Aquarius: Finding your true worth is as easy as counting up the change behind the sofa cushions. If you’re lucky, you’re worth at least a couple of Sacajawea dollars and a handful of lint-ridden Skittles.

Pisces:  If you argued with as many people in real life as you do in your head, you’d be a complete badass. Use those skills to stand up for something, even if it’s just sending back the wrong restaurant order.

Aries: Some days your inner child leads you to unbelievable joy. On Thursday, it has a dirty diaper and encourages you to find a gas mask. Deal with the mess and try not to barf in the wicker trash basket.

Taurus: Quit looking for silver linings in clouds. That’s just the universe’s way of saying “Thank you for playing” and giving you a year’s worth of Rice-A-Roni. Hold out on Friday for the big prize.

Gemini: If life is a roller coaster, you’re inching up to the top. This fun has been a long time coming, so hold those arms up and get ready to scream.

Cancer: Don’t do anything stupid at 2 p.m. on Monday. That’s when your guardian angel sees his therapist, and he really needs the whole hour, especially after that llama mishap.

Leo: Life can be beautiful, especially if you make it wear the blonde wig and tell it to go easy on the makeup. Take your existence out for a hot date and show it a good time. You won’t regret it.

Virgo: If someone can read you like a book, it’s only because you’re in large print. Play hardcover-to-get and change up your font. Everyone loves a mystery.

Libra: It doesn’t take much to make you happy on Saturday. That’s good, because not much is all you’re going to get. Keep loving the little things, and you’ll never be disappointed.

Scorpio: Sometimes you run as fast as you can, but it still feels like life is passing you by. Don’t worry, the next ice cream truck will be playing your song. Throw a few nails out in front of it and you’ll finally catch your reward.

Sagittarius: Forget about stacking the deck in this new relationship; your sweetie is pretty stacked already. If you add anything more, they’re likely to fall over, especially in those shoes. Just smile and enjoy.

Capricorn: You don’t want answers, you just enjoy sneaking up on the questions and wrestling them down like surprised alligators. Watch out for the death roll of moronic theories, and work those opinions until they tire out.

Aquarius: Just when you’re getting a handle on a situation, the bottom of the box gets wet and everything hits the pavement. Nothing’s broken, so just brush the dirt off that cupcake and give it to the boss.

Pisces: You’ve been like a set of Russian nesting dolls, pulling your world tighter and tighter around yourself until you have a wedgie of the soul, which is one of the worst wedgies to have. Break open the mold and go party with some new friends, like those trampy Barbie knockoffs across the aisle.

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