Aries: You’re always looking for the next big thing and not sweating the small stuff. Quit expecting Fort Knox to land in your lap and pay attention to the little shiny bits passing you by.  Your good fortune pops up one nugget at a time.

Taurus: Sometimes bad things happen, but you don’t need a flashing neon sign to warn you. That Bull sensibility means you’re prepared for anything, even zombie weasels with weed-whackers.

Gemini: Feeling stuck? You’re wedged in firmer than a G-string made of duct tape. Get  yourself out of the situation with one quick pull. Oh yes, there will be tears.

Cancer: You’ve been moving so fast you have knocked both the angel and devil off your shoulders. Skip the fortune cookie and ask the oldest man you can find for advice. It may not be valuable, but it will slow your butt down for a few minutes.

Leo: The pen is mightier than the sword, but security is likely to take both away from you before letting you on the plane. Defend yourself with a good book instead. You can quote it or just throw it at someone’s head.

Virgo: Slow and steady wins the race, but it doesn’t get you on any magazine covers or Wheaties boxes. Try being a little fast and wobbly. If you’re unsure how to do that, consult the nearest bottle of tequila.

Libra: If someone tells you there’s no wrong answer, they’re not paying attention. On Thursday, avoid saying “Yes, I’ll try the gas station sushi” and “Why no, I have no idea how much trouble I’m in.”

Scorpio: You think you’ve found your groove on the dance floor, but it looks like you’re being randomly electrocuted by an evil ferret. Feel free to let your freak flag fly, but don’t be surprised if it wraps around your head and makes you crash into a wall.

Sagittarius: The beauty of life is in its diversity, but the reality means you’ll follow someone for fifteen minutes to figure out who or what they are. Take a chance and ask them out anyway. Her mustache may tickle your fancy.

Capricorn: If your life lacks direction, forget gurus. Just go to the supermarket. You’ll do better with the instructions on a can of spray cheese than with someone who wants to sell you a $2400 course in lifestyle management.

Aquarius: When you point a finger at someone, you have three more pointing back at you. That gives you two extra votes in whatever lame argument you’ve gotten yourself into on Thursday. And no, the thumb doesn’t count, because it wants to stay out of it.

Pisces: You feel like your old self on Tuesday, which is a bummer. You were really hoping for a whole new self this time. Maybe the Easter Bunny will bring you chocolate and a new attitude.

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