Aries: Someone close to you knows more than they’re telling. Don’t bother with the rubber hose, just whip out that box of wine you’re saving for a special occasion. You’ll get to the bottom of the box and the truth.

Taurus: Being cautious is fine, but you’re moving slower than maple syrup in winter. Quit being a sap when you’re tapped for a decision.

Gemini: Spring is finally on the way, but you should still hold off on wearing that halter top around town. The weather is still a bit chilly, and your plush carpet of back hair is scaring the children.

Cancer: Not everything is about you, but it really should be. Start some really juicy gossip about yourself and have a few meltdowns at the grocery store. You’ll be the center of attention in no time, but you may have to dodge a few butterfly nets.

Leo: If you pull yourself up by your bootstraps, you’re likely to pull a groin muscle. Crawl up into an office chair and roll your way back to the top. You’ll run over a few toes, but hey, it’s still a comeback.

Virgo: Some people find happiness unexpectedly, but you stalk it like it’s an ex-girlfriend.  Allow more randomness in your life, and fewer restraining orders.

Libra: Forget the inspirational posters; life isn’t a clear-cut path. It’s a series of drunken stumbles and accidental pratfalls, but while you’re recuperating in that ditch you might as well make some friends.

Scorpio: You ponder the unanswered questions, like “Has Smokey the Bear ever seen Bigfoot?” If you write all this down, you’ll have a History Channel series within a year. Enjoy your undeserved fame.

Sagittarius: You think you’re receiving mixed messages, but your sweetie is being very clear. Take your head out of your butt and everything will be Dolby Digital-perfect.

Capricorn: Yes, that first step is a doozy. The second step is a humdinger, the third is a lulu, and the fourth one is just an ass about the whole thing. Maybe you should take the elevator today.

Aquarius: If you can’t be top dog, maybe it’s time to change teams. There’s probably a much shorter line to become top wombat or head moose. If that dog in the Chinese zoo can be a lion, you can be anything you want.

Pisces: Don’t worry about the spotlight right now. In the darkest times, even a candle seems like a lot. See what you need to see and try not to stub your toe. Your days will grow brighter.

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