Aries: You may see yourself as the badass V8 engine under the hood, but you’re more like the banana in the tailpipe. You still make an impact it’s just hilarious instead of heart-pounding.

Taurus: You have the wings of a falcon, the heart of an eagle and the thighs of a chicken. When you soar to impossible heights you may want to stay there, because if you land, you may be seen as very, very tasty. Avoid older men in bolo ties with bags of spices.

Gemini: Ask not for whom the bell tolls; it tolls for thee, because you forgot to put your phone on vibrate again. Really, there’s no taking you anywhere, is there? Stay at home for a few nights until the theater usher forgets what you look like.

Cancer: Every day is a new beginning, sometimes it’s just a lousy story. Be grateful that Thursday is flash fiction, because you want to be fresh for Friday night’s spicy chapter.

Leo: There’s a lot of people on the path not taken, you’re just not seeing the foot traffic. Look up and you’ll see scores ziplining above the treetops to destiny. Strap on that harness, because walking is for wussies.

Virgo: If you’re not seeing eye to eye with someone, it’s better to get a stepladder and move up. That makes it much easier to whack them on the head and drive them down to your original point of view. Bring smelling salts in case the hammer of your opinions is too effective.

Libra: Sexy? Your bedsprings have made more squeaks than a barn full of mice. Use that mojo on Saturday’s hottie, and watch out for mousetraps.

Scorpio: If there’s such a thing as a lucky break, it’s definitely not coming from that loan shark with the baseball bat. Do yourself a favor and avoid investing in those ant farm-powered cell phone chargers.

Sagittarius: Sure, you can slide a webcam under your boss’ locked door, but you can’t unsee what he does with a bird feeder and two pounds of marshmallow cream. Forget therapy, too, because re-enacting it makes the dolls all sticky.

Capricorn: Sometimes the best smiles come from the scraggliest faces, but you’ll never see them if you only look down your own nose. Be kind this week, because karma has a savage sense of humor.

Aquarius: In your hands, trash becomes treasure but a hot glue gun becomes a spontaneous waxing session. For the EMT’s sake, wear pants when doing crafts.

Pisces: You’re so exhausted from the imaginary conversations in your head that you can’t bear talking to a real, live person right now. Start slowly by telling the telemarketer to bugger off and you can work your way up from there.

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