Aries: For you, a day without love is like a day without a rain of frogs. Watch your lips on Wednesday, though. One kiss could turn you into a hopeless, ribbeting romantic.

Taurus: You know what’s in your heart, and it’s not just plaque from a lifetime of Big Macs and fries. Jog toward what you know is right. At least you’ll get some exercise.

Gemini: Nothing says ‘success’ like a fancy car, a fat wallet and not having to buy thrift store underwear anymore. You’ll earn one of these this week, although the best bet is new undies without someone else’s name written in them.

Cancer: One is the loneliest number but it’s also the cheapest, too. You’ve saved enough on Valentine’s Day alone to splurge on two hours of hot action on your favorite 900 number. Who knew there was someone answering the Butterball Help Line in spring?

Leo: What goes up must come down, so take two steps to the right at 9:13 on Friday. Be a dear and bring a mop, too, so you don’t track that into the office.

Virgo: Sorry, your wildest dreams won’t come true, because that’s some freaky stuff even Lady Gaga can’t handle. But your third mildest dream will pop into reality, so yay for free coffee!

Libra: Most people see sorrow as a long road that must be walked, but you prefer your sadness in one quick, intense wedgie. You’re ready to heal now, so prepare to spend some time pulling at your butt crack.

Scorpio: The early bird may get the worm, but the red-headed pecker who sleeps in gets all the wood. Swing your lumber with pride this weekend and enjoy a well-deserved snooze on Sunday morning.

Sagittarius: The world only seems small until you stick your foot out in it. Lace up those boots and stomp in some puddles, but pack your water wings in case you get in too deep.

Capricorn: You have a notion that could develop into an idea. Treat it with care and feed it properly so it grows up to be a solid plan and not another harebrained scheme. You have enough of those already.

Aquarius: So you’ve had a setback. Quit hiding in your blanket fort and get out there to try again. Even if you don’t succeed, the Internet loves an epic fail, so throw some ads on that YouTube channel and screw up all the way to the bank.

Pisces: Hey, fishy, tired of people tapping on your bowl just to see you freak out? Install a joy buzzer on the glass so you can watch them jump for a change.  Bonus: you won’t have to hide in your castle anymore, you can just keep swimming.

 

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